Tired

I am tired. Or rather, emotionally exhausted. My heart is empty. I don’t want to do anything, or maybe just don’t have energy to do anything except really necessary things like work and some housekeeping. There are ups and downs, of course – not really high ups like little moments of joy and calm and rest, and downs made of fear or worry or sadness. Sadness may come all of a sudden, from any occasional thought, and it’s not sharp but heavy and dull feeling. I don’t even have a desire to cry, as I could do in the past. Why should I? It seems useless.

My Japanese boyfriend heard about my Facebook account. Maybe tomorrow, after some contemplation, he will try to leave me again. Or maybe not. I am ready to either outcome. I don’t have energy for long persuasion and explaining things to him. Is it possible that I actually want these relationships to end up? In good or bad way, but they must end up somehow.

And what will I lose in case of bad ending? The past? It already has passed. We had one week together, it was wonderful, but it will not return. The present? The only thing we have is talks by Skype every evening. Nothing else. I can’t tell exactly if I do have relationships or not, because they are only virtual. The future? But I’m not sure if it really comes.

Recently he told me that next summer he may call me to come and live together in Japan. I was waiting for it so long, but… I felt nothing. No joy, no excitement. Maybe I just don’t believe it’s true. After 4 years of waiting I learned not to dream about the future together, because it was too painful. I stopped to imagine pictures of future happiness. I stopped to enjoy sweet memories of the past. My heart is empty. I don’t want any love at all. Love should be fun and pleasure, but for me it was only long waiting. For how long can I wait more? If we could be together right now, maybe my heart would melt and revive little by little. But it will not going to happen…

I wish I could bring back my former self, from the time point of 4-5 years ago. At that time I had vivid interest to new things, joy, and curiosity. My correspondence with pen-friends was in its peak, enjoyable for both sides. I was free and open… What can I do to heal my heart and become active again? I don’t know. It may be a long way, and for now I don’t even know in what direction I should move. Sorry, my friends, I am not a fun companion at the moment. I hope you understand.