Moon

I love the Moon. Oh, how I love the Moon. Especially new Moon and full Moon – can’t say which one I like more. New Moon that appears for a short time in the evening on sunset, so thin and shiny and fragile, it moves my heart. And full Moon… it’s just mesmerizing. I only want to look at it, look and look and look, without thinking about anything.

And there is one more thing about it. The Moon reminds me about time course. I have kind of a mind trick since my youth that helps me when I have a hard time or wait for something desperately. I see a new Moon and think: “By the time when next new Moon is born, these hardships will be already gone”. It gives me feeling of hope and consolation. Unlike youth, now it works more and more rarely. But there is still some place for hope in my life…

Spring misc.

Blogging is hard when there are too many thoughts in one’s head. Too many. I want to talk about many things and get lost among them, and freeze halfway.

What are the things I’d like to tell about? Well,maybe the most remarkable one is that my nephew moved out for some time, and we enjoy peace and silence. For some reason he relocated to his own former apartment where he used to live with his father. Now it’s given for rent most of time, but he caught a moment when it was free from tenants. He found a friend who agreed to live together. My nephew can’t live alone, so wanted someone for a company. He did kind of a bet or a challenge for himself: to stand the whole month there without adults. The other boy seems to be very patient – actually the whole thing largely depended on him. They really almost reached the whole month, though turning the place into awful mess.

The month ends on this weekend. Then my nephew will return here. The break was really useful for me and my daughter – I almost regained my consciousness. I remembered, even a little, that I exist and have my own needs. Very little, very slowly, my self is awakening from long sleep.

The cats feel good too. I haven’t mentioned yet that we have 4 cats in total now: 2 adult cats and 2 young kittens. It’s a separate story, though I’d like to tell about them someday. It’s fun! So interesting to watch their different personalities and relationships with us and each other. My nephew loves them, but his manner of love keeps the cats nervous. Now that he is away they can express themselves freely.

What else should I tell about? Long, long spring… Bright sunlight at daytime and freezing cold at night. Icy roads that drive me mad. Well, now not so icy but wet. Water and mud and slush of melting snow, absolutely impossible to walk freely. I wear rubber boots moving around my living area, or just avoid to walk. Russian roads!

And there is a hope ahead. The significant date, 70-th anniversary of World War II ending is in May. Russia places great importance to Victory Day, and people expect a large-scale amnesty. If it comes true, my brother may be released in May instead of August. Seems not such a big difference but it is big for him and for me, well, for all of us. Some more effort. Some more waiting.

Photographs: World of Beauty

My condition is still passive. When I am overloaded with work, big and urgent, I can’t do anything else. I forget to eat, sleep very little and don’t go outdoors. I need concentration and get angry at the kids when they are noisy or just ask me about something. By the end of it I am longing for the moment when the task is over. I say to myself, “Oh, when I have some free time I’ll do this and that…” But it comes, and I do nothing.

Really nothing. Oh well, I eat and sleep, and may lay in bed with a book or watch TV (unfortunately, there is mostly nothing to watch on Russian TV these days). If my free time is in the morning, I go to a swimming pool – mornings on weekdays is my favourite time because it’s not very crowded. As for housekeeping, I do only things that take minimum efforts. So wast majority of my free time I’m immersed into the Internet.

And even this time in the Internet is mindless, I know that. I only read news in my social networks, one by one. Facebook, then its Russian analogue (Vkontakte), then Live Journal. No writing, just reading. I don’t even write e-mails to my friends because I have nothing to say. Later, when I have better news… I don’t watch movies, don’t check job-searching sites, don’t train my Japanese – nothing that requires to strain my brain again. I would like to write a lot in my blogs, but it is also difficult. As if my thoughts get scattered when I want to write something, and I can’t collect them. News and photographs, that’s what I see.

Photographs are a feast for my eyes and mind. I began following several photographers on Facebook. I don’t know them personally, I think I saw their works reposted by my Japanese friends. Landscapes, flowers and animals are my favourites. All following the season: Mountain Fuji. Cold sea. Clear cold skies. White snow… Russians like to speak about “Russian winter”, but there is the same snow in Japan. Even better, because it’s impossible to see really white snow here in the city. And now when spring is coming there are flowers. Blooming plum trees, amazingly bright. And next will be Sakura season… I want to be there, inside this world of beauty, flowers and sea. Now I can reach it only through these photographs. Thank you, photographers! You help me survive this dull time.

Facing the winter

I’ve returned from Cyprus 2 weeks ago. It was great! I was happy there in spite of sad thoughts about my relationships. Blue sky every day… Mild sunshine and fresh wind… The sea! oh, the sea! It took about 30 minutes by walking from the hotel to the city itself, and all the way laid along the sea. I was taking in its color, its sound… sometimes waves broke against the parapet, and I could feel drops of salt water on my shoulders.

Tourist season was almost over, so there were few people in the streets. I like overall atmosphere of Cyprus which is very different from, say, Turkey, even though they are neighbouring countries and have much in common in foods etc. Cyprus is more gentle. I felt very calm and relaxed there. I was even seriously considering how I could live there… for 9 months a year, because summer is hot like hell. To rent an apartment and return to Russia every 3 months… But I know it wouldn’t solve my problems. Living like that won’t make me a citizen. Only a temporarily escape – no. I want true escape.

It is always the same: after each of my trips I feel more and more reluctant to go back. The last day, the last hours in the airport is a sad good-bye to one more country where I feel at home. Why do I feel at home everywhere except my own country? Russia’s problem is not just lack of comfort – it’s lack of dignity. And… I feel very insecure. Even there, on the resort, following Russian news, now and then I began to worry. Exchange rate… Rouble is falling against US Dollar and Euro, lower and lower every day. Correspondingly, prices are rising. I am personally lucky to this extent because the company pays me in US Dollars. But what should other people do? And all the same, I can’t be sure about what comes in future.

By the way, my long-distance boyfriend returned to me (if it’s possible to say so about someone far away). After I wrote a good-bye mail to him, he called me by Skype, and we made up somehow. But… it didn’t make me happy. On the contrary, next day my heart was heavy and dull, like “Oh no, all this again!” Maybe when I thought it’s all over, my sorrow was about the past, sweet memories that will never return. I am not angry at him. I like him as a person and would be happy to keep nice relationships as friends. But I guess it’s not love anymore. We know everything about each other. We are like a tired couple who have lived together for years… only we did it separately. He talks about marriage next year, in autumn, but I can’t imagine that. Can’t imagine us married… I don’t know how it may end. Why I continue this relationship? Don’t want to hurt him? Don’t want to lose him? Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand friendship – nothing else but love. Oh no. I only hope for some unexpected turn of events.

And what is the most desirable turn of events? A job. Getting a job abroad, be it Japan or Europe. I have some hope for the translation company I am working for. I don’t feel good about immigration via marriage, at least for me personally. I want a job more than a man…

Well, now it’s Russian winter again. I hate it. I curse each time when I have to walk outdoors in dark hours. With ice under the feet and only half of street lights working, I step cautiously and slowly, like an old woman. New Year decorations appear in shops, but it doesn’t make me happy. How can they think of celebrating New Year here! It will sure bring nothing good.

Tired

I am tired. Or rather, emotionally exhausted. My heart is empty. I don’t want to do anything, or maybe just don’t have energy to do anything except really necessary things like work and some housekeeping. There are ups and downs, of course – not really high ups like little moments of joy and calm and rest, and downs made of fear or worry or sadness. Sadness may come all of a sudden, from any occasional thought, and it’s not sharp but heavy and dull feeling. I don’t even have a desire to cry, as I could do in the past. Why should I? It seems useless.

My Japanese boyfriend heard about my Facebook account. Maybe tomorrow, after some contemplation, he will try to leave me again. Or maybe not. I am ready to either outcome. I don’t have energy for long persuasion and explaining things to him. Is it possible that I actually want these relationships to end up? In good or bad way, but they must end up somehow.

And what will I lose in case of bad ending? The past? It already has passed. We had one week together, it was wonderful, but it will not return. The present? The only thing we have is talks by Skype every evening. Nothing else. I can’t tell exactly if I do have relationships or not, because they are only virtual. The future? But I’m not sure if it really comes.

Recently he told me that next summer he may call me to come and live together in Japan. I was waiting for it so long, but… I felt nothing. No joy, no excitement. Maybe I just don’t believe it’s true. After 4 years of waiting I learned not to dream about the future together, because it was too painful. I stopped to imagine pictures of future happiness. I stopped to enjoy sweet memories of the past. My heart is empty. I don’t want any love at all. Love should be fun and pleasure, but for me it was only long waiting. For how long can I wait more? If we could be together right now, maybe my heart would melt and revive little by little. But it will not going to happen…

I wish I could bring back my former self, from the time point of 4-5 years ago. At that time I had vivid interest to new things, joy, and curiosity. My correspondence with pen-friends was in its peak, enjoyable for both sides. I was free and open… What can I do to heal my heart and become active again? I don’t know. It may be a long way, and for now I don’t even know in what direction I should move. Sorry, my friends, I am not a fun companion at the moment. I hope you understand.

My present condition: Depressed

Sorry to say so, but I am depressed. Never went to a doctor, but I can feel it and… well, online tests show it too. No wonder though. I have more than enough reasons to be depressed. Here they are:
– My child has social anxiety disorder and related depression. (And she also suspects being a transgender.) Living side by side with her, listening to her talks and all, I couldn’t avoid to get it as well.
– Because of the above, she cannot attend school. But unschooling is illegal in Russia. So we are kind of undercover. We have to lie to our friends and acquaintances which is hard. It makes me feel guilty. I don’t know what will become of her in future and how to help her.
– I live in Russia which is depressing in itself. And recently it gets more and more awful. Every next news is a bad one. I feel unsecure, angry, helpless, desperate… To leave this country is my greatest desire. But my efforts still haven’t brought any result.
– I am separated from my Japanese fiance and don’t know if/when we can marry.
– Summer is over, and we are facing another long and dark winter. Really hate it!
– And the last but not least: my brother is in jail. We the family heard about it in the end of August. He commited a crime and is waiting for a trial. The consequences are: his son came to live with us, so now I am a mother of two teenagers. And then, it turned out that supporting a jail prisoner costs a huge lot of money for the family! Mostly it’s my brother’s girlfriend who bears the expenses but I try to help her as far as possible. It’s really awful, and nobody knows how long this condition will last and how it will end.

The good sides are: I am still young, in good health (as far as I know) and earn enough money, thanks to the American translation company. I have my friends and pen-friends who are always so supportive. And I still hope that things can change for better. But it’s so hard to keep positive…

Some time ago me and my friends had a short trip by a river ship. It was one of the last warm days of early autumn. We saw a beautiful sunset. Clear sky and the slow calm river… I wish my life was like that: clear and beautiful. I want to fill it with happiness. For now, I can only share with everyone this amazing beauty of the river. Please wish me luck.