Sorry to say so, but I am depressed. Never went to a doctor, but I can feel it and… well, online tests show it too. No wonder though. I have more than enough reasons to be depressed. Here they are:
– My child has social anxiety disorder and related depression. (And she also suspects being a transgender.) Living side by side with her, listening to her talks and all, I couldn’t avoid to get it as well.
– Because of the above, she cannot attend school. But unschooling is illegal in Russia. So we are kind of undercover. We have to lie to our friends and acquaintances which is hard. It makes me feel guilty. I don’t know what will become of her in future and how to help her.
– I live in Russia which is depressing in itself. And recently it gets more and more awful. Every next news is a bad one. I feel unsecure, angry, helpless, desperate… To leave this country is my greatest desire. But my efforts still haven’t brought any result.
– I am separated from my Japanese fiance and don’t know if/when we can marry.
– Summer is over, and we are facing another long and dark winter. Really hate it!
– And the last but not least: my brother is in jail. We the family heard about it in the end of August. He commited a crime and is waiting for a trial. The consequences are: his son came to live with us, so now I am a mother of two teenagers. And then, it turned out that supporting a jail prisoner costs a huge lot of money for the family! Mostly it’s my brother’s girlfriend who bears the expenses but I try to help her as far as possible. It’s really awful, and nobody knows how long this condition will last and how it will end.
The good sides are: I am still young, in good health (as far as I know) and earn enough money, thanks to the American translation company. I have my friends and pen-friends who are always so supportive. And I still hope that things can change for better. But it’s so hard to keep positive…
Some time ago me and my friends had a short trip by a river ship. It was one of the last warm days of early autumn. We saw a beautiful sunset. Clear sky and the slow calm river… I wish my life was like that: clear and beautiful. I want to fill it with happiness. For now, I can only share with everyone this amazing beauty of the river. Please wish me luck.
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