…Come and go, you come and go

After leaving forever and deleting himself from my Skype contacts, my Japanese boyfriend was absent for about two months. I learned to live without him which was quite successful. No pain, only a little sadness. I even began to regain my former, younger self that I had before we met 5 years ago. My brother returned from jail. I was just going to think what to do next… And then he appeared again.

Why doing it every time? Why can’t he really say goodbye forever? Leaving and then coming back like it’s nothing… Asking to forgive him and all that… No wonder that my heart got hardened after all these times. Which is lucky for me – how could I bear it otherwise? How would I feel if still loved as before? Now I am calm. I can be friendly. I can talk about everyday things, and listen, and sympathise, but don’t believe words of love anymore. And don’t believe his promises as well.

Promises… Being excited about our reconciliation, he did incredible thing: he invited us (me and my daughter) to come to Japan and stay in his house as guests. He was going to help us get the longest possible, 3-months guest visa. He said, like “Please come and live, and if you enjoy it here, then… this is your home”. No matter what, I wanted to go. I let myself to dream. A beautiful Japanese autumn… I talked with my daughter, and she liked the plan. We began some preparations. And of course it was not going to happen.

He didn’t take into account his children. They entered a difficult teenage period. It did not happen now, all of a sudden – he’s been complaining of the problems for about half a year already. He just didn’t think about it first, and then understood that the whole thing was impossible. Two days of silence – he seemed to be afraid to tell me, but I guessed. I knew it. It was so predictable. Today he answered, just as I expected: “You can’t come now. I wish their difficult age finished soon…”

Again, I am not upset. My heart got a good training. I am calm, and I feel freedom. I can rely on myself only, and I am free to make my own plans. Maybe I still have a chance to see beautiful Japanese autumn…

Two losses

I had one of the hardest weeks recently. One of my cats was ill, and I was doing desperate efforts to help him. Every evening after work I took him to a vet clinic for procedures. Sometimes we had to wait our turn because all the doctors were busy. Then he was lying there receiving medications into his blood… I returned home late but couldn’t go to sleep at once, too anxious with hope or worry, depending on how he felt. In the middle of night, me and my daughter would eat something or have tea, and talk, and watch something on her PC.

On one of those nights I returned to my room from my daughter’s room and saw a message in Skype. My Japanese boyfriend left me again. He did it regularly during our relationships, especially before or after I went traveling. Then he would return, andwe made up for a while… At first it hurt terribly, but with the time I got used to it. I could predict it and wasn’t even surprized. This time I wasn’t even upset. All my emotions were given to the poor ill cat.

But… nothing helped. He died in spite of the treatment. Maybe there were multiple reasons that doctors couldn’t find out. This loss was so painful. For several first days I couldn’t speak about him without tears. I cried at night and blamed myself for not being able to save him. This cat was the most loved one, having both beauty and personality. Only 1 year old, just recently a kitten. So soft and fluffy and graceful in his movements, so gentle and playful. I see him everywhere: how he rushed to the kitchen with the other cats for food, how he held his pretty bushy tail up, how his eyes shone from the dark room. We miss his presence next to us.

As for my lost romance… the thing is, it lacked true presence. It took 5 years of my life, but it was mostly virtual. A face on the monitor, a voice from the speaker, chat and e-mails. There was only a promise of some vague happiness in future in which I believed less and less each time. This time I don’t want him back. I feel a relief. I almost feel brought back to the point 5 years ago, before we met. I wish it were really possible – to return my past, my time, my younger self.

But it’s impossible, the same as to return my kitty. We may take another one someday, also fluffy and looking like him but it will not be him. Oh well… Nothing doing except move forward and give love to those who are still here.

Facing the winter

I’ve returned from Cyprus 2 weeks ago. It was great! I was happy there in spite of sad thoughts about my relationships. Blue sky every day… Mild sunshine and fresh wind… The sea! oh, the sea! It took about 30 minutes by walking from the hotel to the city itself, and all the way laid along the sea. I was taking in its color, its sound… sometimes waves broke against the parapet, and I could feel drops of salt water on my shoulders.

Tourist season was almost over, so there were few people in the streets. I like overall atmosphere of Cyprus which is very different from, say, Turkey, even though they are neighbouring countries and have much in common in foods etc. Cyprus is more gentle. I felt very calm and relaxed there. I was even seriously considering how I could live there… for 9 months a year, because summer is hot like hell. To rent an apartment and return to Russia every 3 months… But I know it wouldn’t solve my problems. Living like that won’t make me a citizen. Only a temporarily escape – no. I want true escape.

It is always the same: after each of my trips I feel more and more reluctant to go back. The last day, the last hours in the airport is a sad good-bye to one more country where I feel at home. Why do I feel at home everywhere except my own country? Russia’s problem is not just lack of comfort – it’s lack of dignity. And… I feel very insecure. Even there, on the resort, following Russian news, now and then I began to worry. Exchange rate… Rouble is falling against US Dollar and Euro, lower and lower every day. Correspondingly, prices are rising. I am personally lucky to this extent because the company pays me in US Dollars. But what should other people do? And all the same, I can’t be sure about what comes in future.

By the way, my long-distance boyfriend returned to me (if it’s possible to say so about someone far away). After I wrote a good-bye mail to him, he called me by Skype, and we made up somehow. But… it didn’t make me happy. On the contrary, next day my heart was heavy and dull, like “Oh no, all this again!” Maybe when I thought it’s all over, my sorrow was about the past, sweet memories that will never return. I am not angry at him. I like him as a person and would be happy to keep nice relationships as friends. But I guess it’s not love anymore. We know everything about each other. We are like a tired couple who have lived together for years… only we did it separately. He talks about marriage next year, in autumn, but I can’t imagine that. Can’t imagine us married… I don’t know how it may end. Why I continue this relationship? Don’t want to hurt him? Don’t want to lose him? Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand friendship – nothing else but love. Oh no. I only hope for some unexpected turn of events.

And what is the most desirable turn of events? A job. Getting a job abroad, be it Japan or Europe. I have some hope for the translation company I am working for. I don’t feel good about immigration via marriage, at least for me personally. I want a job more than a man…

Well, now it’s Russian winter again. I hate it. I curse each time when I have to walk outdoors in dark hours. With ice under the feet and only half of street lights working, I step cautiously and slowly, like an old woman. New Year decorations appear in shops, but it doesn’t make me happy. How can they think of celebrating New Year here! It will sure bring nothing good.

Tired

I am tired. Or rather, emotionally exhausted. My heart is empty. I don’t want to do anything, or maybe just don’t have energy to do anything except really necessary things like work and some housekeeping. There are ups and downs, of course – not really high ups like little moments of joy and calm and rest, and downs made of fear or worry or sadness. Sadness may come all of a sudden, from any occasional thought, and it’s not sharp but heavy and dull feeling. I don’t even have a desire to cry, as I could do in the past. Why should I? It seems useless.

My Japanese boyfriend heard about my Facebook account. Maybe tomorrow, after some contemplation, he will try to leave me again. Or maybe not. I am ready to either outcome. I don’t have energy for long persuasion and explaining things to him. Is it possible that I actually want these relationships to end up? In good or bad way, but they must end up somehow.

And what will I lose in case of bad ending? The past? It already has passed. We had one week together, it was wonderful, but it will not return. The present? The only thing we have is talks by Skype every evening. Nothing else. I can’t tell exactly if I do have relationships or not, because they are only virtual. The future? But I’m not sure if it really comes.

Recently he told me that next summer he may call me to come and live together in Japan. I was waiting for it so long, but… I felt nothing. No joy, no excitement. Maybe I just don’t believe it’s true. After 4 years of waiting I learned not to dream about the future together, because it was too painful. I stopped to imagine pictures of future happiness. I stopped to enjoy sweet memories of the past. My heart is empty. I don’t want any love at all. Love should be fun and pleasure, but for me it was only long waiting. For how long can I wait more? If we could be together right now, maybe my heart would melt and revive little by little. But it will not going to happen…

I wish I could bring back my former self, from the time point of 4-5 years ago. At that time I had vivid interest to new things, joy, and curiosity. My correspondence with pen-friends was in its peak, enjoyable for both sides. I was free and open… What can I do to heal my heart and become active again? I don’t know. It may be a long way, and for now I don’t even know in what direction I should move. Sorry, my friends, I am not a fun companion at the moment. I hope you understand.

Friendship and treachery

Hello! I am longing to tell about it to somebody because it’s so frustrating. Always sad when a long-term relationships come to an end…

Actually, we were friends since high school: I was 16, she was 15. I don’t know if there is something of the kind in other countries, but here in Russia friendship is very important thing. We keep long-term friendship by whole families: our parents were friends, then ourselves, and then our children became friends too…

We had much in common. First we used to be two romantic girls, dreaming of love and wonderful future. We were drawing pictures and writing stories. We supported each other in time of broken heart (luckily, our taste for guys was different so we never became rivals). Then we both got married, our children were born in the same year (both girls). So family-type friendship continued with our daughters. We met together almost every weekend. We celebrated holidays together, gave each other presents and shared all the troubles. Long phone  talks when we were too busy to meet… Common interests like Harry Potter books and House M.D. show… As the girls grew older, her daughter often stayed at my home for several days, spending time with my daughter. And then it all ended.

Maybe the main reason is my daughter’s condition. She developed kind of panic fear for school and depression, so quitted the school because of it. Formally she is on so-called “home study” system, but in fact hardly studies at all. Well, it’s a different story which I will sure tell later. She is 15 now, this condition lasting from about 13.  My friend sympathized me from the very beginning, giving advice and all that. But little by little… I don’t know how to put it, in fact she never told me anything bad openly. First they stopped to let their daughter to stay at my home. Then their visits became less frequent and at last completely stopped. Now there are only rare talks by Skype or chat messages, which are feeling cold. I would be very puzzled in fact in their girl hadn’t told me the truth.

The thing is, this girl is a very sincere sweet creature. She loves my daughter and loves me, I’m like an auntie with whom she can share her thoughts and moods. She is terribly missing our past friendship and the time spent together. But now she can’t meet us. Only chat or phone talks, but not meeting in reality. The family speaks very evil about us, which is unbearable to listen for the girl. Why? I really can’t understand. Why we became so bad in their eyes all of a sudden? And even if so, why my former friend can’t tell it to me personally? I feel that we will never return the warm relationships of the past. It’s sad, but it’s true. Only our girls may still have a chance.

Sorry, this one was a little long. Sorry, sorry, but I needed to share it…