I had one of the hardest weeks recently. One of my cats was ill, and I was doing desperate efforts to help him. Every evening after work I took him to a vet clinic for procedures. Sometimes we had to wait our turn because all the doctors were busy. Then he was lying there receiving medications into his blood… I returned home late but couldn’t go to sleep at once, too anxious with hope or worry, depending on how he felt. In the middle of night, me and my daughter would eat something or have tea, and talk, and watch something on her PC.
On one of those nights I returned to my room from my daughter’s room and saw a message in Skype. My Japanese boyfriend left me again. He did it regularly during our relationships, especially before or after I went traveling. Then he would return, andwe made up for a while… At first it hurt terribly, but with the time I got used to it. I could predict it and wasn’t even surprized. This time I wasn’t even upset. All my emotions were given to the poor ill cat.
But… nothing helped. He died in spite of the treatment. Maybe there were multiple reasons that doctors couldn’t find out. This loss was so painful. For several first days I couldn’t speak about him without tears. I cried at night and blamed myself for not being able to save him. This cat was the most loved one, having both beauty and personality. Only 1 year old, just recently a kitten. So soft and fluffy and graceful in his movements, so gentle and playful. I see him everywhere: how he rushed to the kitchen with the other cats for food, how he held his pretty bushy tail up, how his eyes shone from the dark room. We miss his presence next to us.
As for my lost romance… the thing is, it lacked true presence. It took 5 years of my life, but it was mostly virtual. A face on the monitor, a voice from the speaker, chat and e-mails. There was only a promise of some vague happiness in future in which I believed less and less each time. This time I don’t want him back. I feel a relief. I almost feel brought back to the point 5 years ago, before we met. I wish it were really possible – to return my past, my time, my younger self.
But it’s impossible, the same as to return my kitty. We may take another one someday, also fluffy and looking like him but it will not be him. Oh well… Nothing doing except move forward and give love to those who are still here.
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