How to draw a deer

Once, when I was small, I decided to draw a deer. I loved them, but did not know how to draw them. My mom taught me how to draw three things, the only ones she knew herself: a house, a tree and a rabbit. She joined them conveniently into a single picture: a house, a fir-tree near it, and a rabbit running along the road from the house.

These became very helpful for me, especially the rabbit. I made a whole series of pictures about a family, just like ours — a mom, a dad and two kids — who were playing outdoors, celebrating birthdays, sitting around the table, only they were not humans but rabbits.

And now I needed a deer, and I had no suitable picture book or anything. I haven’t even seen Bambi because it was Soviet Union — we saw Disney cartoons for the first time only during Perestroika. Anyway, I almost figured it out by myself, except only one thing. And with this one thing I went to my dad. I came up to him and asked: “What does a deer’s tail look like?”

He did not know. And he told it to me honestly. Being a mathematician, he was not into live sciences very much. But on the other hand, he grew up in a village and knew a little bit about dogs, cows, pigs and other farm animals. So after some contemplation, my dad suggested an answer: “Maybe like a cow’s?”

That was enough for me. I sat down and drew a deer. For some time after that, my pictures were full of deer, skipping around cheerfully with long, tufted tails. Later I found out how to do it correctly, but I don’t remember where. But this episode I do remember very well. And I still love deer!

And one more… soon will be ten years since I lost my dad.

 

Giving away

Yesterday my childhood friend came and took away my hibiscus. It feels empty now without it. It was so nice and bright and lively, even though my cats used to bite off its leaves. I am sure it will be all right in the new home – my friend Olga is a pro with plants.

Why? Well, I’m giving away things these days. We are still considering emigration, and this time, after several failures, our plan seems to progress. So among other preparations we have to get rid of loads of stuff. I can’t just throw them away, I always think that someone may need it. But it’s kind of a problem in Russia because there are no easy ways to donate things etc. We can’t even bring clothes to second-hand shop – such shops exist, but they import things from abroad instead of receiving them from local people.

Luckily, I discovered a wonderful community in our city that organizes events called Garage Sale. It’s not the same as the US-type garage sale, though I’d love to have one. But I don’t have a garage or a house with a lawn, to let people come and look at my things and buy whatever they want. Actually very few Russian people live in houses, we mostly have apartments. No, this event is rather like a fair. The organizer (a charming red-haired girl) rents some space, e.g. in a mall, a club or community center, or even outdoors when it’s warm. People come and bring their stuff, and others come and buy it. It takes places monthly or so. And between actual sales you can place ads on their web page too. We already sold some books (and my child’s comic books and manga), beads and other accessories, fabrics and other sewing materials, my child’s dolls… Next weekend there will be clothes and shoes. I like the process! I like it when people find what they wanted,  it makes me happy. More and more things to give away, I never imagined there are so many things in one apartment!

The sad side of it: we must also give away our cats. We are moving too far, and we’ll live in a rented apartment where pets will hardly be allowed… I don’t worry too much about the younger ones, they’ll get used to new owners easily. We already managed to find new home for Ginger. He went to a nice young woman who already had one cat – also ginger! – and wanted to get a buddy for him. She told they got together well. He is so pretty and funny and affectionate, I hope they love him. 

As for my two elder cats, I want to give them to someone from our family or friends, someone who is familiar to them, not a stranger. It’s painful anyway… We’ll miss them. But most important thing is that they feel good. I want to do everything right, though it’s so hard.

 

 

Haircut

I did a haircut to my daughter today. I mean, really, by myself.

I am not a pro though, only attended a one-week class long ago during Perestroika. Since then I practiced on many heads of friends and family. I did strange fancy styles requested by my brother, then a university student. I cut hair of my colleagues at work, for a chocolate bar (natural exchange was popular during Perestroika). I cut hair of my dad until the end of his life – and he liked it. And for my child of course.

When she was small it was a matter of economy because our life was quite tough. Then she was wearing long hair, and I almost forgot the skill. But now, with her social anxiety disorder, it is difficult for her to communicate with hairdressers. She can’t explain them properly what she wants. As a result, she is never content. Recently she even cut her own hair – which was not very good.

So I was somewhat nervous because her image is important for her. Luckily, it’s more or less fine. She is happier than with her previous style, and looks more androgynous, just as she wanted. I’m glad!

…Come and go, you come and go

After leaving forever and deleting himself from my Skype contacts, my Japanese boyfriend was absent for about two months. I learned to live without him which was quite successful. No pain, only a little sadness. I even began to regain my former, younger self that I had before we met 5 years ago. My brother returned from jail. I was just going to think what to do next… And then he appeared again.

Why doing it every time? Why can’t he really say goodbye forever? Leaving and then coming back like it’s nothing… Asking to forgive him and all that… No wonder that my heart got hardened after all these times. Which is lucky for me – how could I bear it otherwise? How would I feel if still loved as before? Now I am calm. I can be friendly. I can talk about everyday things, and listen, and sympathise, but don’t believe words of love anymore. And don’t believe his promises as well.

Promises… Being excited about our reconciliation, he did incredible thing: he invited us (me and my daughter) to come to Japan and stay in his house as guests. He was going to help us get the longest possible, 3-months guest visa. He said, like “Please come and live, and if you enjoy it here, then… this is your home”. No matter what, I wanted to go. I let myself to dream. A beautiful Japanese autumn… I talked with my daughter, and she liked the plan. We began some preparations. And of course it was not going to happen.

He didn’t take into account his children. They entered a difficult teenage period. It did not happen now, all of a sudden – he’s been complaining of the problems for about half a year already. He just didn’t think about it first, and then understood that the whole thing was impossible. Two days of silence – he seemed to be afraid to tell me, but I guessed. I knew it. It was so predictable. Today he answered, just as I expected: “You can’t come now. I wish their difficult age finished soon…”

Again, I am not upset. My heart got a good training. I am calm, and I feel freedom. I can rely on myself only, and I am free to make my own plans. Maybe I still have a chance to see beautiful Japanese autumn…

Two losses

I had one of the hardest weeks recently. One of my cats was ill, and I was doing desperate efforts to help him. Every evening after work I took him to a vet clinic for procedures. Sometimes we had to wait our turn because all the doctors were busy. Then he was lying there receiving medications into his blood… I returned home late but couldn’t go to sleep at once, too anxious with hope or worry, depending on how he felt. In the middle of night, me and my daughter would eat something or have tea, and talk, and watch something on her PC.

On one of those nights I returned to my room from my daughter’s room and saw a message in Skype. My Japanese boyfriend left me again. He did it regularly during our relationships, especially before or after I went traveling. Then he would return, andwe made up for a while… At first it hurt terribly, but with the time I got used to it. I could predict it and wasn’t even surprized. This time I wasn’t even upset. All my emotions were given to the poor ill cat.

But… nothing helped. He died in spite of the treatment. Maybe there were multiple reasons that doctors couldn’t find out. This loss was so painful. For several first days I couldn’t speak about him without tears. I cried at night and blamed myself for not being able to save him. This cat was the most loved one, having both beauty and personality. Only 1 year old, just recently a kitten. So soft and fluffy and graceful in his movements, so gentle and playful. I see him everywhere: how he rushed to the kitchen with the other cats for food, how he held his pretty bushy tail up, how his eyes shone from the dark room. We miss his presence next to us.

As for my lost romance… the thing is, it lacked true presence. It took 5 years of my life, but it was mostly virtual. A face on the monitor, a voice from the speaker, chat and e-mails. There was only a promise of some vague happiness in future in which I believed less and less each time. This time I don’t want him back. I feel a relief. I almost feel brought back to the point 5 years ago, before we met. I wish it were really possible – to return my past, my time, my younger self.

But it’s impossible, the same as to return my kitty. We may take another one someday, also fluffy and looking like him but it will not be him. Oh well… Nothing doing except move forward and give love to those who are still here.