How to draw a deer

Once, when I was small, I decided to draw a deer. I loved them, but did not know how to draw them. My mom taught me how to draw three things, the only ones she knew herself: a house, a tree and a rabbit. She joined them conveniently into a single picture: a house, a fir-tree near it, and a rabbit running along the road from the house.

These became very helpful for me, especially the rabbit. I made a whole series of pictures about a family, just like ours — a mom, a dad and two kids — who were playing outdoors, celebrating birthdays, sitting around the table, only they were not humans but rabbits.

And now I needed a deer, and I had no suitable picture book or anything. I haven’t even seen Bambi because it was Soviet Union — we saw Disney cartoons for the first time only during Perestroika. Anyway, I almost figured it out by myself, except only one thing. And with this one thing I went to my dad. I came up to him and asked: “What does a deer’s tail look like?”

He did not know. And he told it to me honestly. Being a mathematician, he was not into live sciences very much. But on the other hand, he grew up in a village and knew a little bit about dogs, cows, pigs and other farm animals. So after some contemplation, my dad suggested an answer: “Maybe like a cow’s?”

That was enough for me. I sat down and drew a deer. For some time after that, my pictures were full of deer, skipping around cheerfully with long, tufted tails. Later I found out how to do it correctly, but I don’t remember where. But this episode I do remember very well. And I still love deer!

And one more… soon will be ten years since I lost my dad.

 

Superpowers

When I was small, I believed in miracles. Like, somebody magical would come and fulfil my three wishes (if I ask them really, really well). This creature was not Santa, rather like a fairy. And these three wishes were all about getting some wonderful powers.  The first one – to be able to fly (sometimes though I replaced it with a flying horse). The second one – to become invisible whenever I want. I guess, it was about freedom. I mean, I didn’t want to do bad things or steal stuff from people when invisible, only to be free from others’ looks.

And the third power was… not to freeze in winter. So that I could go outdoors without all these lots of warm clothes, just like in summer, and play in the snow with pleasure. Because we lived in Siberia, where winter was very long and very cold.  So it seems very logical, I’d say, a very Russian superpower!

Haircut

I did a haircut to my daughter today. I mean, really, by myself.

I am not a pro though, only attended a one-week class long ago during Perestroika. Since then I practiced on many heads of friends and family. I did strange fancy styles requested by my brother, then a university student. I cut hair of my colleagues at work, for a chocolate bar (natural exchange was popular during Perestroika). I cut hair of my dad until the end of his life – and he liked it. And for my child of course.

When she was small it was a matter of economy because our life was quite tough. Then she was wearing long hair, and I almost forgot the skill. But now, with her social anxiety disorder, it is difficult for her to communicate with hairdressers. She can’t explain them properly what she wants. As a result, she is never content. Recently she even cut her own hair – which was not very good.

So I was somewhat nervous because her image is important for her. Luckily, it’s more or less fine. She is happier than with her previous style, and looks more androgynous, just as she wanted. I’m glad!

…Come and go, you come and go

After leaving forever and deleting himself from my Skype contacts, my Japanese boyfriend was absent for about two months. I learned to live without him which was quite successful. No pain, only a little sadness. I even began to regain my former, younger self that I had before we met 5 years ago. My brother returned from jail. I was just going to think what to do next… And then he appeared again.

Why doing it every time? Why can’t he really say goodbye forever? Leaving and then coming back like it’s nothing… Asking to forgive him and all that… No wonder that my heart got hardened after all these times. Which is lucky for me – how could I bear it otherwise? How would I feel if still loved as before? Now I am calm. I can be friendly. I can talk about everyday things, and listen, and sympathise, but don’t believe words of love anymore. And don’t believe his promises as well.

Promises… Being excited about our reconciliation, he did incredible thing: he invited us (me and my daughter) to come to Japan and stay in his house as guests. He was going to help us get the longest possible, 3-months guest visa. He said, like “Please come and live, and if you enjoy it here, then… this is your home”. No matter what, I wanted to go. I let myself to dream. A beautiful Japanese autumn… I talked with my daughter, and she liked the plan. We began some preparations. And of course it was not going to happen.

He didn’t take into account his children. They entered a difficult teenage period. It did not happen now, all of a sudden – he’s been complaining of the problems for about half a year already. He just didn’t think about it first, and then understood that the whole thing was impossible. Two days of silence – he seemed to be afraid to tell me, but I guessed. I knew it. It was so predictable. Today he answered, just as I expected: “You can’t come now. I wish their difficult age finished soon…”

Again, I am not upset. My heart got a good training. I am calm, and I feel freedom. I can rely on myself only, and I am free to make my own plans. Maybe I still have a chance to see beautiful Japanese autumn…

Hard growing up

All children grow up and leave their parents. It’s inevitable,  sad and happy feeling at the same time. Then, while children become more and more distant, we get more of our own life. For me and my child it’s different, unfortunately.

Because of her disorder she is very dependent on me in many activities. She cannot use transportation to move around the city. Especially if it’s unknow place which may need to ask directions. She cannot do shopping if it involves any communication with people like shop assistants etc. She cannot file documents to any offices. She cannot do phone calls to unknown places or people. I follow her everywhere. So we are always together, and it’s… well, of course it’s a problem.

It’s a problem for me because I must find time for all that, and as a result I almost never have time for myself. And it’s even more problem for her because she wants to grow up. Inside her mind she is very adult, in some aspects much more adult than her peers. The need to go everywhere with me makes her frustrated. Sometimes she tries… makes kind of training for herself, but it’s still very limited.

Today she went to a big shopping center to buy a new autumn jacket. The place and the way there is well known to her, one of the few places in our city she can go alone. She did some vague attempts to ask me to go together, maybe not feeling confident enough. But I was busy, and she went alone. Everything was all right. She bought a garment and felt no panic or anything. But such cases are rare. We have to go a long way until both can live our own lives.

Loud, loud kid

Sometimes I hate my nephew. I know he is lonely, abandoned and all that. But there are so many things that irritate me which makes it really hard to live together.

One of the most irritating things is that he is so loud. This shreaky teenage voice and laughter… He never cares that it’s late at night, that other people are supposed to sleep. When he talks with my daughter or by Skype with his friends, I hear it from any point of the apartment, there’s no escape from the sound. Every now and then I jump up angrily, go and say “Quiet!” to him. And he would agree and get quiet for a moment, but forget about it immediately… Sometimes it’s a torture.

Except the voice, his movements are noisy as well. He stamps loudly when he walks, as if his feet are all hard and bony. He tends to drop things or bang against something all the time. It makes me nervous. I know kids ARE inconvenient, but this one is too much…

My child’s research

Recently my daughter is searching for information about disorders that supposedly could be related to her condition. Social anxiety disorder, autistic spectrum disorders, neuroatypical disorders… She diligently reads information in English, watches videoblogs – also in Englsh, because, according to her, information that could be found in Russian Internet is all outdated or prejudiced. For the same reason it’s hard to find a competent specialist in reality, espedcially in a provincial city like ours.

Based on this information, she tries to analyse her own behaviour, habits, feelings, childhood memories. And she finds many things that look like symptoms of some condition… She explains to me that she never thought something was really so wrong with her. She took it as normal that her time in pre-school was only suffering and she was unable to communicate with other kids. Then at school… I admit it, I also took it as normal, never finding it too disturbing. Partly the reason is that me and her father, we are quite shy and have poor communication skills. So I thought like, it’s normal if a child hates school – so what? everyone hates school. And so on. Lack of information is a bad thing…

Anyway, I’m glad that she is doing this research now. I’m glad to see her interest, and I deeply respect her great thinking work. I can’t imagine what her future will look like, but I’ll do everything possible to support her…

Spring misc.

Blogging is hard when there are too many thoughts in one’s head. Too many. I want to talk about many things and get lost among them, and freeze halfway.

What are the things I’d like to tell about? Well,maybe the most remarkable one is that my nephew moved out for some time, and we enjoy peace and silence. For some reason he relocated to his own former apartment where he used to live with his father. Now it’s given for rent most of time, but he caught a moment when it was free from tenants. He found a friend who agreed to live together. My nephew can’t live alone, so wanted someone for a company. He did kind of a bet or a challenge for himself: to stand the whole month there without adults. The other boy seems to be very patient – actually the whole thing largely depended on him. They really almost reached the whole month, though turning the place into awful mess.

The month ends on this weekend. Then my nephew will return here. The break was really useful for me and my daughter – I almost regained my consciousness. I remembered, even a little, that I exist and have my own needs. Very little, very slowly, my self is awakening from long sleep.

The cats feel good too. I haven’t mentioned yet that we have 4 cats in total now: 2 adult cats and 2 young kittens. It’s a separate story, though I’d like to tell about them someday. It’s fun! So interesting to watch their different personalities and relationships with us and each other. My nephew loves them, but his manner of love keeps the cats nervous. Now that he is away they can express themselves freely.

What else should I tell about? Long, long spring… Bright sunlight at daytime and freezing cold at night. Icy roads that drive me mad. Well, now not so icy but wet. Water and mud and slush of melting snow, absolutely impossible to walk freely. I wear rubber boots moving around my living area, or just avoid to walk. Russian roads!

And there is a hope ahead. The significant date, 70-th anniversary of World War II ending is in May. Russia places great importance to Victory Day, and people expect a large-scale amnesty. If it comes true, my brother may be released in May instead of August. Seems not such a big difference but it is big for him and for me, well, for all of us. Some more effort. Some more waiting.

Intro vs. Extra

One of the greatest difficulties of living together with my nephew is the difference of the two kids’ personalities. My child (and me) are introverts. We need privacy and some time to be alone. But the boy is extra-extravert who cannot be alone. He needs company all the time, to talk and mix up and do something together, or else he will be bored.

Moreover, he absolutely doesn’t understand personal space and privacy, and why people need it. He would enter my daughter’s room without knocking or asking for her permission. He would touch and take her things, and then misplace them. When she gets angry he wouldn’t understand the reason and feels offended, saying like, “You just hate me”.

As a result my daughter is very tired emotionally. She is constantly in bad mood and can’t concentrate well on her activities. IN the evening she often comes up to me and asks, “Let’s go out! I need to talk.” We often can’t talk at home because my nephew would immediately join us or just come to listen. So we go out for a walk around our living area. We walk in cold and darkness and talk. She doesn’t want to return home…

No, it’s not alwatys like that. Sometimes they get together quite well, discuss something passionately, laugh, play games or go shopping. But living together all the time is very hard.

Waiting

I’m waiting for my brother’s court judgement. They say the hearing will be soon… but the day is still unknown. At least the investigation was over last month (after almost half-year waiting – it was August when he was arrested). They let him sign the papers, he admitted his guilt. We are all waiting. To know the decision finally, to be able to plan our life for future.

So when my child asks me “Let’s go traveling somewhere”, I say “Let’s wait until we know the decision”. Can I spend money for traveling? Shall I go with only one kid or with both of them? My nephew will feel lonely if we leave him alone. And then, where shall he stay while we are away? Not in our apartment definitely – it’s just dangerous, with his negligence and absent-mindedness. But to take two of them? I am already so tired…

In this state of waiting I became kind of passive, not doing anything actively, unable to make decisions. Only the most necessary things. Work is the top priority. It helps me to distract from worries, organize my time, it challenges my mind and lets me feel important. When I have free time, I go to the gym or swimming pool. It’s time for myself, twice a week or more if I’m lucky. As for housekeeping… I neglect it more and more. I’m just not in the mood to do anything when these kids do nothing.

How long more do I have to wait? And what will happen then? My brother is guilty, but I really hope he will be released on probation. I want my life back. My home, my time, my money, my freedom to move. Please please let the decision come soon, and let it be good!