Cabbages and kings

It’s hot. Days and weeks of heat non-stop – a really extreme summer this year! I try not to take too much work because my head can’t work well. And when I don’t work, my child would come to me and talk. Or she calls me out for a walk (in the evening when the heat reduces a little) – and talks.

She can talk for hours. She talks, and I listen. I know she needs it because she has too many thoughts about lots of things, like:

• Movies, cartoons and TV shows
• Comics and superheros (Batman and Joker – oh no!)
• Evil characters and why people like them
• Gender, its natural and social aspects, stereotypes, and gender queer people
• Families, parents and children, and why she doesn’t want a family in future
• Discrimination of all sorts and why Russians don’t understand it
• What is empathy, and if it’s OK to live without it
• Why people need religion, and what’s good and bad about it
• Time traveling and what time period she would choose if it were possible
• Star Wars
• Computer games
• Robots
• Cabbages and kings

… and many others, I just can’t remember right now.

Of course she says that I shouldn’t listen if I don’t want to, and that I can stop her at any moment if I feel it’s enough. And it really happens sometimes when my brain gets overloaded, but mostly it goes fine. Some problems are interesting for me too, and we discuss them together. When she speaks out all her thoughts, she goes to her room and leaves me alone.  It’s fine, but… I feel that she needs someone else for a listener except me. That’s why I’m so glad when my nephew comes to visit us sometimes – at least they can discuss computer games and Star Wars!

Haircut

I did a haircut to my daughter today. I mean, really, by myself.

I am not a pro though, only attended a one-week class long ago during Perestroika. Since then I practiced on many heads of friends and family. I did strange fancy styles requested by my brother, then a university student. I cut hair of my colleagues at work, for a chocolate bar (natural exchange was popular during Perestroika). I cut hair of my dad until the end of his life – and he liked it. And for my child of course.

When she was small it was a matter of economy because our life was quite tough. Then she was wearing long hair, and I almost forgot the skill. But now, with her social anxiety disorder, it is difficult for her to communicate with hairdressers. She can’t explain them properly what she wants. As a result, she is never content. Recently she even cut her own hair – which was not very good.

So I was somewhat nervous because her image is important for her. Luckily, it’s more or less fine. She is happier than with her previous style, and looks more androgynous, just as she wanted. I’m glad!

Bad luck with jeans

Me and my daughter went to a shopping center today because she wanted to buy new jeans. She found one black pair (black is her preferred colour) and went to the trying room. I was waiting somewhere near… and it seemed to me strangely long. At last she went out, threw the jeans on a hanger rail and headed out of the shop with fast steps, saying “I can’t try on anything”.

“Why? Is something wrong with them?” I asked.

“It’s noise. I cannot stand this noise. Too many people in the trying rooms. And there was a child next to me, her toy was singing so loudly. I can’t!”

As a result, we didn’t make more attempts in other clothing shops. Moving to the entrance, she saw a shop of art and craft supplies and dived there with a relief. Paper, paints and incense sticks  had a good effect on her. She bought some, and we returned home.

 

Such things happen quite often when my daughter tries to do shopping. Her reaction for noise and crowd is so strong that she is unable to continue the process, let alone enjoy it. She hates music playing in shops – why is it always so loud and rhythmic? I wonder if it’s a feature of Russian shopping centers only. She can say suddenly that she feels bad, or has a headache, or not in the mood to choose anyting.  In such cases, we both go back in a bad mood.

Yes, I can be angry and tired and irritated, having to follow my child everywhere. But of course things are harder for her. We healthy people can’t imagine how it feels to live like that.

Sometimes everything goes fine though. She even manages to go to a shopping center alone and buy things she needs to. What does it depend on? I don’t know. But it’s preferable for her to go on weekdays when it’s not too crowded. And it should be a shop that she knows very well, so needn’t spend much energy for orienting. She analyzes her own sensations very carefully and learns all the time. Yes, our own efforts are not enough but I want to have a hope…

 

Hard growing up

All children grow up and leave their parents. It’s inevitable,  sad and happy feeling at the same time. Then, while children become more and more distant, we get more of our own life. For me and my child it’s different, unfortunately.

Because of her disorder she is very dependent on me in many activities. She cannot use transportation to move around the city. Especially if it’s unknow place which may need to ask directions. She cannot do shopping if it involves any communication with people like shop assistants etc. She cannot file documents to any offices. She cannot do phone calls to unknown places or people. I follow her everywhere. So we are always together, and it’s… well, of course it’s a problem.

It’s a problem for me because I must find time for all that, and as a result I almost never have time for myself. And it’s even more problem for her because she wants to grow up. Inside her mind she is very adult, in some aspects much more adult than her peers. The need to go everywhere with me makes her frustrated. Sometimes she tries… makes kind of training for herself, but it’s still very limited.

Today she went to a big shopping center to buy a new autumn jacket. The place and the way there is well known to her, one of the few places in our city she can go alone. She did some vague attempts to ask me to go together, maybe not feeling confident enough. But I was busy, and she went alone. Everything was all right. She bought a garment and felt no panic or anything. But such cases are rare. We have to go a long way until both can live our own lives.

My present condition: Depressed

Sorry to say so, but I am depressed. Never went to a doctor, but I can feel it and… well, online tests show it too. No wonder though. I have more than enough reasons to be depressed. Here they are:
– My child has social anxiety disorder and related depression. (And she also suspects being a transgender.) Living side by side with her, listening to her talks and all, I couldn’t avoid to get it as well.
– Because of the above, she cannot attend school. But unschooling is illegal in Russia. So we are kind of undercover. We have to lie to our friends and acquaintances which is hard. It makes me feel guilty. I don’t know what will become of her in future and how to help her.
– I live in Russia which is depressing in itself. And recently it gets more and more awful. Every next news is a bad one. I feel unsecure, angry, helpless, desperate… To leave this country is my greatest desire. But my efforts still haven’t brought any result.
– I am separated from my Japanese fiance and don’t know if/when we can marry.
– Summer is over, and we are facing another long and dark winter. Really hate it!
– And the last but not least: my brother is in jail. We the family heard about it in the end of August. He commited a crime and is waiting for a trial. The consequences are: his son came to live with us, so now I am a mother of two teenagers. And then, it turned out that supporting a jail prisoner costs a huge lot of money for the family! Mostly it’s my brother’s girlfriend who bears the expenses but I try to help her as far as possible. It’s really awful, and nobody knows how long this condition will last and how it will end.

The good sides are: I am still young, in good health (as far as I know) and earn enough money, thanks to the American translation company. I have my friends and pen-friends who are always so supportive. And I still hope that things can change for better. But it’s so hard to keep positive…

Some time ago me and my friends had a short trip by a river ship. It was one of the last warm days of early autumn. We saw a beautiful sunset. Clear sky and the slow calm river… I wish my life was like that: clear and beautiful. I want to fill it with happiness. For now, I can only share with everyone this amazing beauty of the river. Please wish me luck.