Waiting

I’m waiting for my brother’s court judgement. They say the hearing will be soon… but the day is still unknown. At least the investigation was over last month (after almost half-year waiting – it was August when he was arrested). They let him sign the papers, he admitted his guilt. We are all waiting. To know the decision finally, to be able to plan our life for future.

So when my child asks me “Let’s go traveling somewhere”, I say “Let’s wait until we know the decision”. Can I spend money for traveling? Shall I go with only one kid or with both of them? My nephew will feel lonely if we leave him alone. And then, where shall he stay while we are away? Not in our apartment definitely – it’s just dangerous, with his negligence and absent-mindedness. But to take two of them? I am already so tired…

In this state of waiting I became kind of passive, not doing anything actively, unable to make decisions. Only the most necessary things. Work is the top priority. It helps me to distract from worries, organize my time, it challenges my mind and lets me feel important. When I have free time, I go to the gym or swimming pool. It’s time for myself, twice a week or more if I’m lucky. As for housekeeping… I neglect it more and more. I’m just not in the mood to do anything when these kids do nothing.

How long more do I have to wait? And what will happen then? My brother is guilty, but I really hope he will be released on probation. I want my life back. My home, my time, my money, my freedom to move. Please please let the decision come soon, and let it be good!