Ringtones

Because of my social anxiety, phone calls make me nervous. That’s why I like to have specific ringtones for each of my important people and groups, so that I can know at once who is calling. In addition, it’s fun – I like to play with melodies and decide which one to assign to this or that person. And I don’t care that my taste can be outdated or even ridiculous.

For example, my default ringtone is currently “Appelle mon numéro” by Mylene Farmer – because it means “Call my number”, and because I like her songs. For my family… somehow it happened that all their ringtones are Japanese songs. There is one of Naruto ending songs for my nephew – because he is a fan of Naruto. For my child there is also an ending from Anime that she used to like… now she has outgrown it, but the song is so beautiful and sad, and reminds me of her fragility.

The melody for my brother is a funny song “Dango San Kyodai” which means “Three Dumpling Brothers” – see, it’s about brothers! That’s why I chose it. And for his girlfriend it’s Boy George’s “Karma Chameleon”, because she believes in Karma, Ayurvega and all such things – and also the song is positive.

And for my work contacts I used to have the famous SailorMoon opening. Because it’s a heroical song, you know, and one definitely needs some heroic mood when gets a call from work. But now my managers don’t call me by phone, using e-mail or Skype instead. So I gave the SailorMoon ringtone to contacts from animal protection society whom I help, taking cats to keep at my home. They deserve it — no doubt, animal protection is a heroic thing!

How to draw a deer

Once, when I was small, I decided to draw a deer. I loved them, but did not know how to draw them. My mom taught me how to draw three things, the only ones she knew herself: a house, a tree and a rabbit. She joined them conveniently into a single picture: a house, a fir-tree near it, and a rabbit running along the road from the house.

These became very helpful for me, especially the rabbit. I made a whole series of pictures about a family, just like ours — a mom, a dad and two kids — who were playing outdoors, celebrating birthdays, sitting around the table, only they were not humans but rabbits.

And now I needed a deer, and I had no suitable picture book or anything. I haven’t even seen Bambi because it was Soviet Union — we saw Disney cartoons for the first time only during Perestroika. Anyway, I almost figured it out by myself, except only one thing. And with this one thing I went to my dad. I came up to him and asked: “What does a deer’s tail look like?”

He did not know. And he told it to me honestly. Being a mathematician, he was not into live sciences very much. But on the other hand, he grew up in a village and knew a little bit about dogs, cows, pigs and other farm animals. So after some contemplation, my dad suggested an answer: “Maybe like a cow’s?”

That was enough for me. I sat down and drew a deer. For some time after that, my pictures were full of deer, skipping around cheerfully with long, tufted tails. Later I found out how to do it correctly, but I don’t remember where. But this episode I do remember very well. And I still love deer!

And one more… soon will be ten years since I lost my dad.

 

Music

My both kids, daughter and nephew, are sensitive to sounds, and specifically to music. Their favourite music is an important part of their life. They can listen one song endlessly. They would not go out without a player with selected playlist loaded into its memory. And vice versa: when they hear music they don’t like, they suffer (truly, physically).

Because I perceive it differently, I often don’t understand their feelings. It can be really strange. For instance, a musical channel on our TV has kind of retro time when it plays something from 90s etc. Today there was that old song, “I’m blue, da-ba-dee da-ba-dye” – for me it’s fun, but my daughter said: “It’s disgusting! It’s the worst song ever, that could be used to torture me!” And I really don’t understand why? What does she hear in it? For me the sound is absolutely normal. Then, she hates songs playing in McDonalds, most of other cafes and shopping centers, though these are quite neutral.

My nephew is similar, but in his own manner. He likes listening to music while driving, but each time it becomes a problem. He cannot just relax and leave it to the player. He is zapping endlessly, like TV channels, unable to stop on something (even though it’s his own player and his selected list of songs). We get irritated and ask him to stop: Hey, this one is good enough! Just stop! We even tried to bet how long he could stay without switching songs… it was short! Partly it’s because he is shy about his musical tastes, thinking that we will judge him.

The most strange case was one of these days in a shopping center. Me and both kids were buying some shoes. We just left shoe department, my nephew carrying bags. And all of a sudden he dropped the bags at my feet and rushed away, running on a high speed, without explanation! I did not know what to think. I supposed he may have spotted some guy he did not want to talk to… something like that. My and my daughter moved on, and soon the boy called me on the phone, found us and joined us again. When I asked what had happened, the answer was: “It was that song! When it started, I had to run away somewhere I could not hear it.” As for me, I did not even notice what it was – some usual background music, nothing special. Maybe it’s a luck that I am not so sensitive, but it makes harder to understand the kids.

Our crazy family

As the readers may remember, I often write about my daughter and her difficulties due to mental problems. But she is not the only one with problems in our family. I seem to have them too. After I learned from her about different disorders and read some information by links she gave me, I could see some autistic features in myself. Especially when I read description of children on spectrum, I recognise myself a lot. My ex-husband, the child’s father, is also not quite neurotypical – so no wonder that she came out like that. And finally, my nephew. He is also different, though in his own way. So it’s as follows:

• Daugher: social anxiety disorder, autistic spectrum disorder, maybe gender-queer. Left-handed, bad with numbers. Sleep disorder, maybe depressed.
• Me: slightly autistic, socially awkward, cannot tell left from right, bad with numbers and people’s faces, aromantic and demisexual. Mild depression or chronic tiredness.
• Nephew: attention deficit with hyperactivity, dyslexia, social anxiety (mild, recently aquired), asexuality.

It’s really sad that I did not know about all these things while the kids were small. And I did not know about the nature of my own difference. Now I know, thanks to my child, and it helps to understand each other better. For example, we don’t push the boy to read, knowing that he can better learn things by hearing. Unfortunately, his dad (my brother) is so very normal, and like many people in Russia, he just doesn’t believe in mental disorders. Maybe that’s why the boy prefers to spends time with us.

So you can imagine how it goes when we live together, all three (my nephew often stays with us). It’s like a sitcom. We have our own, disorder-based jokes. Like, “If I have social anxiety, and you have social anxiety, who will order the food?” Or when my daughter is teasing her cousin with sexual jokes which he hates. Or when they buy some goods for stimming and play with them happily (if nothing is available, my nephew uses any unexpected things for this purpose). Really, it could be a sitcom! I’d love to see something like that.

Giving away

Yesterday my childhood friend came and took away my hibiscus. It feels empty now without it. It was so nice and bright and lively, even though my cats used to bite off its leaves. I am sure it will be all right in the new home – my friend Olga is a pro with plants.

Why? Well, I’m giving away things these days. We are still considering emigration, and this time, after several failures, our plan seems to progress. So among other preparations we have to get rid of loads of stuff. I can’t just throw them away, I always think that someone may need it. But it’s kind of a problem in Russia because there are no easy ways to donate things etc. We can’t even bring clothes to second-hand shop – such shops exist, but they import things from abroad instead of receiving them from local people.

Luckily, I discovered a wonderful community in our city that organizes events called Garage Sale. It’s not the same as the US-type garage sale, though I’d love to have one. But I don’t have a garage or a house with a lawn, to let people come and look at my things and buy whatever they want. Actually very few Russian people live in houses, we mostly have apartments. No, this event is rather like a fair. The organizer (a charming red-haired girl) rents some space, e.g. in a mall, a club or community center, or even outdoors when it’s warm. People come and bring their stuff, and others come and buy it. It takes places monthly or so. And between actual sales you can place ads on their web page too. We already sold some books (and my child’s comic books and manga), beads and other accessories, fabrics and other sewing materials, my child’s dolls… Next weekend there will be clothes and shoes. I like the process! I like it when people find what they wanted,  it makes me happy. More and more things to give away, I never imagined there are so many things in one apartment!

The sad side of it: we must also give away our cats. We are moving too far, and we’ll live in a rented apartment where pets will hardly be allowed… I don’t worry too much about the younger ones, they’ll get used to new owners easily. We already managed to find new home for Ginger. He went to a nice young woman who already had one cat – also ginger! – and wanted to get a buddy for him. She told they got together well. He is so pretty and funny and affectionate, I hope they love him. 

As for my two elder cats, I want to give them to someone from our family or friends, someone who is familiar to them, not a stranger. It’s painful anyway… We’ll miss them. But most important thing is that they feel good. I want to do everything right, though it’s so hard.

 

 

Cabbages and kings

It’s hot. Days and weeks of heat non-stop – a really extreme summer this year! I try not to take too much work because my head can’t work well. And when I don’t work, my child would come to me and talk. Or she calls me out for a walk (in the evening when the heat reduces a little) – and talks.

She can talk for hours. She talks, and I listen. I know she needs it because she has too many thoughts about lots of things, like:

• Movies, cartoons and TV shows
• Comics and superheros (Batman and Joker – oh no!)
• Evil characters and why people like them
• Gender, its natural and social aspects, stereotypes, and gender queer people
• Families, parents and children, and why she doesn’t want a family in future
• Discrimination of all sorts and why Russians don’t understand it
• What is empathy, and if it’s OK to live without it
• Why people need religion, and what’s good and bad about it
• Time traveling and what time period she would choose if it were possible
• Star Wars
• Computer games
• Robots
• Cabbages and kings

… and many others, I just can’t remember right now.

Of course she says that I shouldn’t listen if I don’t want to, and that I can stop her at any moment if I feel it’s enough. And it really happens sometimes when my brain gets overloaded, but mostly it goes fine. Some problems are interesting for me too, and we discuss them together. When she speaks out all her thoughts, she goes to her room and leaves me alone.  It’s fine, but… I feel that she needs someone else for a listener except me. That’s why I’m so glad when my nephew comes to visit us sometimes – at least they can discuss computer games and Star Wars!

Haircut

I did a haircut to my daughter today. I mean, really, by myself.

I am not a pro though, only attended a one-week class long ago during Perestroika. Since then I practiced on many heads of friends and family. I did strange fancy styles requested by my brother, then a university student. I cut hair of my colleagues at work, for a chocolate bar (natural exchange was popular during Perestroika). I cut hair of my dad until the end of his life – and he liked it. And for my child of course.

When she was small it was a matter of economy because our life was quite tough. Then she was wearing long hair, and I almost forgot the skill. But now, with her social anxiety disorder, it is difficult for her to communicate with hairdressers. She can’t explain them properly what she wants. As a result, she is never content. Recently she even cut her own hair – which was not very good.

So I was somewhat nervous because her image is important for her. Luckily, it’s more or less fine. She is happier than with her previous style, and looks more androgynous, just as she wanted. I’m glad!

…Come and go, you come and go

After leaving forever and deleting himself from my Skype contacts, my Japanese boyfriend was absent for about two months. I learned to live without him which was quite successful. No pain, only a little sadness. I even began to regain my former, younger self that I had before we met 5 years ago. My brother returned from jail. I was just going to think what to do next… And then he appeared again.

Why doing it every time? Why can’t he really say goodbye forever? Leaving and then coming back like it’s nothing… Asking to forgive him and all that… No wonder that my heart got hardened after all these times. Which is lucky for me – how could I bear it otherwise? How would I feel if still loved as before? Now I am calm. I can be friendly. I can talk about everyday things, and listen, and sympathise, but don’t believe words of love anymore. And don’t believe his promises as well.

Promises… Being excited about our reconciliation, he did incredible thing: he invited us (me and my daughter) to come to Japan and stay in his house as guests. He was going to help us get the longest possible, 3-months guest visa. He said, like “Please come and live, and if you enjoy it here, then… this is your home”. No matter what, I wanted to go. I let myself to dream. A beautiful Japanese autumn… I talked with my daughter, and she liked the plan. We began some preparations. And of course it was not going to happen.

He didn’t take into account his children. They entered a difficult teenage period. It did not happen now, all of a sudden – he’s been complaining of the problems for about half a year already. He just didn’t think about it first, and then understood that the whole thing was impossible. Two days of silence – he seemed to be afraid to tell me, but I guessed. I knew it. It was so predictable. Today he answered, just as I expected: “You can’t come now. I wish their difficult age finished soon…”

Again, I am not upset. My heart got a good training. I am calm, and I feel freedom. I can rely on myself only, and I am free to make my own plans. Maybe I still have a chance to see beautiful Japanese autumn…

Hard growing up

All children grow up and leave their parents. It’s inevitable,  sad and happy feeling at the same time. Then, while children become more and more distant, we get more of our own life. For me and my child it’s different, unfortunately.

Because of her disorder she is very dependent on me in many activities. She cannot use transportation to move around the city. Especially if it’s unknow place which may need to ask directions. She cannot do shopping if it involves any communication with people like shop assistants etc. She cannot file documents to any offices. She cannot do phone calls to unknown places or people. I follow her everywhere. So we are always together, and it’s… well, of course it’s a problem.

It’s a problem for me because I must find time for all that, and as a result I almost never have time for myself. And it’s even more problem for her because she wants to grow up. Inside her mind she is very adult, in some aspects much more adult than her peers. The need to go everywhere with me makes her frustrated. Sometimes she tries… makes kind of training for herself, but it’s still very limited.

Today she went to a big shopping center to buy a new autumn jacket. The place and the way there is well known to her, one of the few places in our city she can go alone. She did some vague attempts to ask me to go together, maybe not feeling confident enough. But I was busy, and she went alone. Everything was all right. She bought a garment and felt no panic or anything. But such cases are rare. We have to go a long way until both can live our own lives.

At a lost

The year of my brother’s imprisonment has passed. He was released this week, so I am no more responsible for his child. A great and long-awaited moment! I can attend to my own life.

One of the most important issues of my life is immigration. Russia steadily becomes more and more disturbing, so it’s a must-do number one for now. But… there is a problem. During this year when I couldn’t move anywhere, my child turned 18. By most countries’ rules she is not a child anymore, so can’t follow me as a dependant. It’s really frustrating. Even if I find a job abroad or someone for marriage (unlikely), she cannot go with me. And I cannot immigrate alone and leave her, with her social anxiety and other disorders, whatever they are.

So I am kind of at a lost, thinking over any possible variants. First, there is Canada where coming of age is not 18 but 19 y.o. But finding a job there is hard… Should we go as refugees? Find a lawyer who can advice and help somehow?

About the job… I am currently working very closely with London office of a big international translation company. I am in good relationships with the team, they appreciate me as a good worker. What if I ask their help to get an in-office job? And then, with the help of a lawyer again, find a way to take my child with me. Since she is really DEPENDENT on me – not only financially.

Or maybe I should buy some real estate in a country that provides living permit on these terms? But which country? And how much will it cost?

So I’m thinking and thinking, this variant and that…. Don’t know yet in which direction to move. Puzzled. But I must do it, and I will. I only need a plan…