Travel-lover

Instead of people, I fall in love with countries and cities. Japan, Istanbul, Cyprus, now it’s also Budapest – and who knows how many more wait for me in future. While new ones add to the list, my love to previous ones never fades. The unique charm of each place is alive in my heart.

It’s both different and similar with normal human romance.  The same anticipation before meeting – I am thrilled when I board a plane! It’s also a sensual pleasure, when a country surrounds me with its air, when I walk along its streets, taking in its sights, its smells, I can even taste a country…

And then there are memories, little things. I like to buy in my travels somehing I can wear – clothes, shoes, accessories. A skirt from Yokohama. Summer shoes from Hiratsuka (they don’t already exist, such a pity). A warm, soft baggy tunic that I found on Cyprus. A copper ring  from Istanbul, from those numerous stalls with handmade accessories. Rings and earrings are my favourite. As if I am engaged to each country with a ring…

And then it’s parting and separation. It can be also painful, it can hurt even to see photographs of the places where I’ve been. Especially with Japan, because I can’t return there so easily. How long I haven’t been there?…  Random things remind me about it, like some special color of the sky, or a smell on a car parking. I see dreams about Japan and other countries, even unknown countries, and I feel happy in these dreams. Is it bad? Is it addiction? I don’t think so. I prefer to call it love.

MacDonald’s

There is a MacDonald’s in our living area, within walking distance. It was built quite recently, about 2 years ago, and since that time me and my daughter go there regularly. She scolds herself for that and feels guilty because she thinks it’s not healthy for her. I don’t scold myself though I gained weight. But we can’t stop.

The thing is, we don’t go there for any specific food or coffee or something. We go for atmosphere. We want to sit in a cafe and talk, and watch the street flowing by. It’s a piece of different life in our provincial Russian city. It remind us of many cafe in other countries we have visited. But there are no cafe in Russia that are both good and cheap – well, very few of them (except Moscow and S.-Petersburg). No place to eat and talk. Restaurants are too expensive. Small cafes are mostly concentrated in big shopping malls, maybe for economical reasons. And when you just walk along the street, there’s nothing. While if you walk along the street in, say, Istanbul or any town in Japan, big or small, there are tons of various cafes and restaurants to choose.

Of course there are economical reasons for that as well. Small business is in a desparate situation here. Taxes and rent and corruption makes it very difficult to run. Global corporations like MacDonald’s, KFC and Subway can survive even in Russia, but not local businesses. Which is really sad…

That’s why out evening often – oh, very often – goes like this. After my working day ends we go out on sunset and head for MacDonald’s. The later the better, so that it’s not so crowded with high-schoolers and parents with small kids. We take some food or coffee and something sweet, sit next to the window and talk. A vague illusion of different life…

Photographs: World of Beauty

My condition is still passive. When I am overloaded with work, big and urgent, I can’t do anything else. I forget to eat, sleep very little and don’t go outdoors. I need concentration and get angry at the kids when they are noisy or just ask me about something. By the end of it I am longing for the moment when the task is over. I say to myself, “Oh, when I have some free time I’ll do this and that…” But it comes, and I do nothing.

Really nothing. Oh well, I eat and sleep, and may lay in bed with a book or watch TV (unfortunately, there is mostly nothing to watch on Russian TV these days). If my free time is in the morning, I go to a swimming pool – mornings on weekdays is my favourite time because it’s not very crowded. As for housekeeping, I do only things that take minimum efforts. So wast majority of my free time I’m immersed into the Internet.

And even this time in the Internet is mindless, I know that. I only read news in my social networks, one by one. Facebook, then its Russian analogue (Vkontakte), then Live Journal. No writing, just reading. I don’t even write e-mails to my friends because I have nothing to say. Later, when I have better news… I don’t watch movies, don’t check job-searching sites, don’t train my Japanese – nothing that requires to strain my brain again. I would like to write a lot in my blogs, but it is also difficult. As if my thoughts get scattered when I want to write something, and I can’t collect them. News and photographs, that’s what I see.

Photographs are a feast for my eyes and mind. I began following several photographers on Facebook. I don’t know them personally, I think I saw their works reposted by my Japanese friends. Landscapes, flowers and animals are my favourites. All following the season: Mountain Fuji. Cold sea. Clear cold skies. White snow… Russians like to speak about “Russian winter”, but there is the same snow in Japan. Even better, because it’s impossible to see really white snow here in the city. And now when spring is coming there are flowers. Blooming plum trees, amazingly bright. And next will be Sakura season… I want to be there, inside this world of beauty, flowers and sea. Now I can reach it only through these photographs. Thank you, photographers! You help me survive this dull time.

Traveling: not yet

I saw a dream about Barcelona tonight. I’ve never been there, so it was a bizarre place of my imagination, but I kind of knew it was Barcelona anyway. I was so happy there. Traveling, traveling! When and where will be my next one? I don’t know. I want it so much…

My daughter wants it desperately, too (she hasn’t traveled anywhere even longer than me). But our circumstances are still complicated. My brother’s trial took place on Feb 17, and he was sentenced to 1 year of imprisonment. Half of this time has already passed while he was waiting for the decision. But there is still half a year left… For me it means that I keep staying with the two kids and can’t move around the world freely.

Why can’t I move? Oh well. My nephew is 16, but it’s absolutely out of the question to leave him alone at home. It’s dangerous for himself, my apartment and the cats. While my daughter was able to stay alone for a month at his age, he is a disaster even when we are around. No, no!

At worst I can go with both of them, choosing the cheapest (and preferably visa-less) destination. But will it be really enjoyable? Then, in such case I must get a permission from his mother… Such a bother! I’m too tired to think of all these organizational things. So maybe we’ll just wait. And while waiting, I’ll work and save money and dream…

Waiting

I’m waiting for my brother’s court judgement. They say the hearing will be soon… but the day is still unknown. At least the investigation was over last month (after almost half-year waiting – it was August when he was arrested). They let him sign the papers, he admitted his guilt. We are all waiting. To know the decision finally, to be able to plan our life for future.

So when my child asks me “Let’s go traveling somewhere”, I say “Let’s wait until we know the decision”. Can I spend money for traveling? Shall I go with only one kid or with both of them? My nephew will feel lonely if we leave him alone. And then, where shall he stay while we are away? Not in our apartment definitely – it’s just dangerous, with his negligence and absent-mindedness. But to take two of them? I am already so tired…

In this state of waiting I became kind of passive, not doing anything actively, unable to make decisions. Only the most necessary things. Work is the top priority. It helps me to distract from worries, organize my time, it challenges my mind and lets me feel important. When I have free time, I go to the gym or swimming pool. It’s time for myself, twice a week or more if I’m lucky. As for housekeeping… I neglect it more and more. I’m just not in the mood to do anything when these kids do nothing.

How long more do I have to wait? And what will happen then? My brother is guilty, but I really hope he will be released on probation. I want my life back. My home, my time, my money, my freedom to move. Please please let the decision come soon, and let it be good!

New Year wish

I want to make a wish for the coming year 2015. Something I really want.

First of all I wish my brother were released from the jail. Then his son would return to him, and we’ll be only two again, me and my daughter.

And then… I wish I could get a translating job abroad, in some European country where there are offices of the company I work for. London? Prague? Barcelona? Oh, whatever… I’ll take my child and a laptop and move. I wish I could take at least one of my cats too. If not, I’ll find new owners for them of course, but they’ll be one of the few things I’ll miss.

New country, new life. I will feel a human at last. My child will be able to study and overcome her social anxiety… I’ll be able to travel freely without a visa for vacations. Come to Japan and meet my friends. And I will not have to wait until that man call me to Japan to marry him… and to decide what to answer. I want to emigrate via work, not a man. Please, please let it come true!

Happy New Year everyone!

Facing the winter

I’ve returned from Cyprus 2 weeks ago. It was great! I was happy there in spite of sad thoughts about my relationships. Blue sky every day… Mild sunshine and fresh wind… The sea! oh, the sea! It took about 30 minutes by walking from the hotel to the city itself, and all the way laid along the sea. I was taking in its color, its sound… sometimes waves broke against the parapet, and I could feel drops of salt water on my shoulders.

Tourist season was almost over, so there were few people in the streets. I like overall atmosphere of Cyprus which is very different from, say, Turkey, even though they are neighbouring countries and have much in common in foods etc. Cyprus is more gentle. I felt very calm and relaxed there. I was even seriously considering how I could live there… for 9 months a year, because summer is hot like hell. To rent an apartment and return to Russia every 3 months… But I know it wouldn’t solve my problems. Living like that won’t make me a citizen. Only a temporarily escape – no. I want true escape.

It is always the same: after each of my trips I feel more and more reluctant to go back. The last day, the last hours in the airport is a sad good-bye to one more country where I feel at home. Why do I feel at home everywhere except my own country? Russia’s problem is not just lack of comfort – it’s lack of dignity. And… I feel very insecure. Even there, on the resort, following Russian news, now and then I began to worry. Exchange rate… Rouble is falling against US Dollar and Euro, lower and lower every day. Correspondingly, prices are rising. I am personally lucky to this extent because the company pays me in US Dollars. But what should other people do? And all the same, I can’t be sure about what comes in future.

By the way, my long-distance boyfriend returned to me (if it’s possible to say so about someone far away). After I wrote a good-bye mail to him, he called me by Skype, and we made up somehow. But… it didn’t make me happy. On the contrary, next day my heart was heavy and dull, like “Oh no, all this again!” Maybe when I thought it’s all over, my sorrow was about the past, sweet memories that will never return. I am not angry at him. I like him as a person and would be happy to keep nice relationships as friends. But I guess it’s not love anymore. We know everything about each other. We are like a tired couple who have lived together for years… only we did it separately. He talks about marriage next year, in autumn, but I can’t imagine that. Can’t imagine us married… I don’t know how it may end. Why I continue this relationship? Don’t want to hurt him? Don’t want to lose him? Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand friendship – nothing else but love. Oh no. I only hope for some unexpected turn of events.

And what is the most desirable turn of events? A job. Getting a job abroad, be it Japan or Europe. I have some hope for the translation company I am working for. I don’t feel good about immigration via marriage, at least for me personally. I want a job more than a man…

Well, now it’s Russian winter again. I hate it. I curse each time when I have to walk outdoors in dark hours. With ice under the feet and only half of street lights working, I step cautiously and slowly, like an old woman. New Year decorations appear in shops, but it doesn’t make me happy. How can they think of celebrating New Year here! It will sure bring nothing good.

Bitter-sweet vacation

Hello! I am on Cyprus now. I got so tired of work, kids and all kind of worries and decided to give myself a rest. One week on Cyprus, alone. The children are big enough and can cope without me. Of course I’m worried about them, but nevermind… Anyway, we can connect by Skype anytime, to make sure everything is all right.

Cyprus is great, just the right place to rest and relax. The summer heat is gone, but it’s still warm. The sky is cloudless. The sea… Oh, the sea! My hotel is facing the beach, and I can hear the sound of waves every moment. It can make anyone feel happy, and I do feel happy.

But at the same time I feel sad. Right before the trip I quarreled with by Japanese boyfriend, and we parted. It was inevitable, I was ready for that for some time. But it’s still painful. Even though these relationships were mostly virtual (long-distance), it’s still a big piece of my life. A piece of my heart. I know I’ll recover and become fine. I’m a champion of unhappy love, so to say. But now it’s the hardest time. I am lonely, and at the same time don’t want to see anyone. At daytime it’s fine, with new impressions and exploring the new places. But when evening comes… Do all people become more sentimental at night? Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I listen to sad music. Or go down to the dark beach and sit there listening to the waves. The moon rises above the sea, its shape strange and crooked. What will come next? Life is going on…

Istanbul

Last year I added Istanbul to my happy places. I spent there one whole month, taking a TEFL course (to become an English teacher). Actually these courses are everywhere. I chose the place for reasons of convenience: it was the closest and less expensive, and then Russian citizens don’t need a visa to enter Turkey.

For several first days I was a bit frustrated by the fact of my being there. How could it be, I am abroad but it’s not Japan? But with the time I got to love Istanbul. Now I miss it too. I walk along labyrinth-like streets of Istanbul in my dreams. Who knows what other countries I will discover in future and make my happy places as well… I hope there will be more!