How to draw a deer

Once, when I was small, I decided to draw a deer. I loved them, but did not know how to draw them. My mom taught me how to draw three things, the only ones she knew herself: a house, a tree and a rabbit. She joined them conveniently into a single picture: a house, a fir-tree near it, and a rabbit running along the road from the house.

These became very helpful for me, especially the rabbit. I made a whole series of pictures about a family, just like ours — a mom, a dad and two kids — who were playing outdoors, celebrating birthdays, sitting around the table, only they were not humans but rabbits.

And now I needed a deer, and I had no suitable picture book or anything. I haven’t even seen Bambi because it was Soviet Union — we saw Disney cartoons for the first time only during Perestroika. Anyway, I almost figured it out by myself, except only one thing. And with this one thing I went to my dad. I came up to him and asked: “What does a deer’s tail look like?”

He did not know. And he told it to me honestly. Being a mathematician, he was not into live sciences very much. But on the other hand, he grew up in a village and knew a little bit about dogs, cows, pigs and other farm animals. So after some contemplation, my dad suggested an answer: “Maybe like a cow’s?”

That was enough for me. I sat down and drew a deer. For some time after that, my pictures were full of deer, skipping around cheerfully with long, tufted tails. Later I found out how to do it correctly, but I don’t remember where. But this episode I do remember very well. And I still love deer!

And one more… soon will be ten years since I lost my dad.

 

Back in Russia

Unexpectedly, we returned to Russia after 8 months in Argentina. We were unable to get residence there, so decided to go back and come again later, when we are better prepared. We consider it not a failure but a first try. The experience of living there was quite good, and it was sad to leave.

There are some good sides about returning to Russia, of course. First of all, I was glad to see my family, friends and my cat again. Second, it was summer (while winter in Argentina). Then, it’s my own apartment vs. a rented one: my staff, my sewing machine, a bath, a big mirror… and no need to pay rent. Well, I could put up with small hardships of everyday life, if I had a legal position of some sort.

But generally the comparison is not in favour of Russia. The nature seems bleak, lacking bright colors — even in the middle of summer the sky is not nearly as bright as in Argentina. No flowers, no blooming trees, no flaming sunsets… And I miss the ocean and palm trees! Don’t know where I’ll emigrate in the end, but there should be palm trees.

The city is not so comfortable for living. Oh, Argentinian buses, I liked them so much! And there are almost no places to eat out. In our living area there were only 3 places, one of which is MacDonalds, the other one a pizzeria — and it closed this month! — and the third one is quite far, though within the walking distance. And that’s all! While in Mar del Plata, which is not such a big city, there are lots of cafes, restaurants, pizzerias and ice-cream places just everywhere. If cook at home, the quality of products also differs dramatically. In Argentina one can buy great meat, and nice fresh fish, and various cheeses… here it’s all not very good. I could not even find olive oil at once — it’s just not available in nearby shops. At least it’s summer, so fruit and vegetable markets are abundant. But it winter things will get worse.

Anyway, we are going to stay here for a year or year and half, taking this time to learn Spanish. Then we’ll do another try…

(This is the last view of winter Argentina from the bus window)

Giving away

Yesterday my childhood friend came and took away my hibiscus. It feels empty now without it. It was so nice and bright and lively, even though my cats used to bite off its leaves. I am sure it will be all right in the new home – my friend Olga is a pro with plants.

Why? Well, I’m giving away things these days. We are still considering emigration, and this time, after several failures, our plan seems to progress. So among other preparations we have to get rid of loads of stuff. I can’t just throw them away, I always think that someone may need it. But it’s kind of a problem in Russia because there are no easy ways to donate things etc. We can’t even bring clothes to second-hand shop – such shops exist, but they import things from abroad instead of receiving them from local people.

Luckily, I discovered a wonderful community in our city that organizes events called Garage Sale. It’s not the same as the US-type garage sale, though I’d love to have one. But I don’t have a garage or a house with a lawn, to let people come and look at my things and buy whatever they want. Actually very few Russian people live in houses, we mostly have apartments. No, this event is rather like a fair. The organizer (a charming red-haired girl) rents some space, e.g. in a mall, a club or community center, or even outdoors when it’s warm. People come and bring their stuff, and others come and buy it. It takes places monthly or so. And between actual sales you can place ads on their web page too. We already sold some books (and my child’s comic books and manga), beads and other accessories, fabrics and other sewing materials, my child’s dolls… Next weekend there will be clothes and shoes. I like the process! I like it when people find what they wanted,  it makes me happy. More and more things to give away, I never imagined there are so many things in one apartment!

The sad side of it: we must also give away our cats. We are moving too far, and we’ll live in a rented apartment where pets will hardly be allowed… I don’t worry too much about the younger ones, they’ll get used to new owners easily. We already managed to find new home for Ginger. He went to a nice young woman who already had one cat – also ginger! – and wanted to get a buddy for him. She told they got together well. He is so pretty and funny and affectionate, I hope they love him. 

As for my two elder cats, I want to give them to someone from our family or friends, someone who is familiar to them, not a stranger. It’s painful anyway… We’ll miss them. But most important thing is that they feel good. I want to do everything right, though it’s so hard.

 

 

Superpowers

When I was small, I believed in miracles. Like, somebody magical would come and fulfil my three wishes (if I ask them really, really well). This creature was not Santa, rather like a fairy. And these three wishes were all about getting some wonderful powers.  The first one – to be able to fly (sometimes though I replaced it with a flying horse). The second one – to become invisible whenever I want. I guess, it was about freedom. I mean, I didn’t want to do bad things or steal stuff from people when invisible, only to be free from others’ looks.

And the third power was… not to freeze in winter. So that I could go outdoors without all these lots of warm clothes, just like in summer, and play in the snow with pleasure. Because we lived in Siberia, where winter was very long and very cold.  So it seems very logical, I’d say, a very Russian superpower!

At a lost

The year of my brother’s imprisonment has passed. He was released this week, so I am no more responsible for his child. A great and long-awaited moment! I can attend to my own life.

One of the most important issues of my life is immigration. Russia steadily becomes more and more disturbing, so it’s a must-do number one for now. But… there is a problem. During this year when I couldn’t move anywhere, my child turned 18. By most countries’ rules she is not a child anymore, so can’t follow me as a dependant. It’s really frustrating. Even if I find a job abroad or someone for marriage (unlikely), she cannot go with me. And I cannot immigrate alone and leave her, with her social anxiety and other disorders, whatever they are.

So I am kind of at a lost, thinking over any possible variants. First, there is Canada where coming of age is not 18 but 19 y.o. But finding a job there is hard… Should we go as refugees? Find a lawyer who can advice and help somehow?

About the job… I am currently working very closely with London office of a big international translation company. I am in good relationships with the team, they appreciate me as a good worker. What if I ask their help to get an in-office job? And then, with the help of a lawyer again, find a way to take my child with me. Since she is really DEPENDENT on me – not only financially.

Or maybe I should buy some real estate in a country that provides living permit on these terms? But which country? And how much will it cost?

So I’m thinking and thinking, this variant and that…. Don’t know yet in which direction to move. Puzzled. But I must do it, and I will. I only need a plan…

Bad news again

We hear bad news in Russia almost every day, but this one is really bad. Disgusting and outrageous. Everyone followed this story hoping for good ending but… no. Media tried to cause attention to the case, people wrote to all possible authorities but nothing helped. No one of big bosses bothered to save the girl:

http://www.cultnoise.com/chechnya-teenage-girl-forced-into-marriage/

My child’s research

Recently my daughter is searching for information about disorders that supposedly could be related to her condition. Social anxiety disorder, autistic spectrum disorders, neuroatypical disorders… She diligently reads information in English, watches videoblogs – also in Englsh, because, according to her, information that could be found in Russian Internet is all outdated or prejudiced. For the same reason it’s hard to find a competent specialist in reality, espedcially in a provincial city like ours.

Based on this information, she tries to analyse her own behaviour, habits, feelings, childhood memories. And she finds many things that look like symptoms of some condition… She explains to me that she never thought something was really so wrong with her. She took it as normal that her time in pre-school was only suffering and she was unable to communicate with other kids. Then at school… I admit it, I also took it as normal, never finding it too disturbing. Partly the reason is that me and her father, we are quite shy and have poor communication skills. So I thought like, it’s normal if a child hates school – so what? everyone hates school. And so on. Lack of information is a bad thing…

Anyway, I’m glad that she is doing this research now. I’m glad to see her interest, and I deeply respect her great thinking work. I can’t imagine what her future will look like, but I’ll do everything possible to support her…

Spring misc.

Blogging is hard when there are too many thoughts in one’s head. Too many. I want to talk about many things and get lost among them, and freeze halfway.

What are the things I’d like to tell about? Well,maybe the most remarkable one is that my nephew moved out for some time, and we enjoy peace and silence. For some reason he relocated to his own former apartment where he used to live with his father. Now it’s given for rent most of time, but he caught a moment when it was free from tenants. He found a friend who agreed to live together. My nephew can’t live alone, so wanted someone for a company. He did kind of a bet or a challenge for himself: to stand the whole month there without adults. The other boy seems to be very patient – actually the whole thing largely depended on him. They really almost reached the whole month, though turning the place into awful mess.

The month ends on this weekend. Then my nephew will return here. The break was really useful for me and my daughter – I almost regained my consciousness. I remembered, even a little, that I exist and have my own needs. Very little, very slowly, my self is awakening from long sleep.

The cats feel good too. I haven’t mentioned yet that we have 4 cats in total now: 2 adult cats and 2 young kittens. It’s a separate story, though I’d like to tell about them someday. It’s fun! So interesting to watch their different personalities and relationships with us and each other. My nephew loves them, but his manner of love keeps the cats nervous. Now that he is away they can express themselves freely.

What else should I tell about? Long, long spring… Bright sunlight at daytime and freezing cold at night. Icy roads that drive me mad. Well, now not so icy but wet. Water and mud and slush of melting snow, absolutely impossible to walk freely. I wear rubber boots moving around my living area, or just avoid to walk. Russian roads!

And there is a hope ahead. The significant date, 70-th anniversary of World War II ending is in May. Russia places great importance to Victory Day, and people expect a large-scale amnesty. If it comes true, my brother may be released in May instead of August. Seems not such a big difference but it is big for him and for me, well, for all of us. Some more effort. Some more waiting.

MacDonald’s

There is a MacDonald’s in our living area, within walking distance. It was built quite recently, about 2 years ago, and since that time me and my daughter go there regularly. She scolds herself for that and feels guilty because she thinks it’s not healthy for her. I don’t scold myself though I gained weight. But we can’t stop.

The thing is, we don’t go there for any specific food or coffee or something. We go for atmosphere. We want to sit in a cafe and talk, and watch the street flowing by. It’s a piece of different life in our provincial Russian city. It remind us of many cafe in other countries we have visited. But there are no cafe in Russia that are both good and cheap – well, very few of them (except Moscow and S.-Petersburg). No place to eat and talk. Restaurants are too expensive. Small cafes are mostly concentrated in big shopping malls, maybe for economical reasons. And when you just walk along the street, there’s nothing. While if you walk along the street in, say, Istanbul or any town in Japan, big or small, there are tons of various cafes and restaurants to choose.

Of course there are economical reasons for that as well. Small business is in a desparate situation here. Taxes and rent and corruption makes it very difficult to run. Global corporations like MacDonald’s, KFC and Subway can survive even in Russia, but not local businesses. Which is really sad…

That’s why out evening often – oh, very often – goes like this. After my working day ends we go out on sunset and head for MacDonald’s. The later the better, so that it’s not so crowded with high-schoolers and parents with small kids. We take some food or coffee and something sweet, sit next to the window and talk. A vague illusion of different life…

Photographs: World of Beauty

My condition is still passive. When I am overloaded with work, big and urgent, I can’t do anything else. I forget to eat, sleep very little and don’t go outdoors. I need concentration and get angry at the kids when they are noisy or just ask me about something. By the end of it I am longing for the moment when the task is over. I say to myself, “Oh, when I have some free time I’ll do this and that…” But it comes, and I do nothing.

Really nothing. Oh well, I eat and sleep, and may lay in bed with a book or watch TV (unfortunately, there is mostly nothing to watch on Russian TV these days). If my free time is in the morning, I go to a swimming pool – mornings on weekdays is my favourite time because it’s not very crowded. As for housekeeping, I do only things that take minimum efforts. So wast majority of my free time I’m immersed into the Internet.

And even this time in the Internet is mindless, I know that. I only read news in my social networks, one by one. Facebook, then its Russian analogue (Vkontakte), then Live Journal. No writing, just reading. I don’t even write e-mails to my friends because I have nothing to say. Later, when I have better news… I don’t watch movies, don’t check job-searching sites, don’t train my Japanese – nothing that requires to strain my brain again. I would like to write a lot in my blogs, but it is also difficult. As if my thoughts get scattered when I want to write something, and I can’t collect them. News and photographs, that’s what I see.

Photographs are a feast for my eyes and mind. I began following several photographers on Facebook. I don’t know them personally, I think I saw their works reposted by my Japanese friends. Landscapes, flowers and animals are my favourites. All following the season: Mountain Fuji. Cold sea. Clear cold skies. White snow… Russians like to speak about “Russian winter”, but there is the same snow in Japan. Even better, because it’s impossible to see really white snow here in the city. And now when spring is coming there are flowers. Blooming plum trees, amazingly bright. And next will be Sakura season… I want to be there, inside this world of beauty, flowers and sea. Now I can reach it only through these photographs. Thank you, photographers! You help me survive this dull time.