I’ve returned from Cyprus 2 weeks ago. It was great! I was happy there in spite of sad thoughts about my relationships. Blue sky every day… Mild sunshine and fresh wind… The sea! oh, the sea! It took about 30 minutes by walking from the hotel to the city itself, and all the way laid along the sea. I was taking in its color, its sound… sometimes waves broke against the parapet, and I could feel drops of salt water on my shoulders.
Tourist season was almost over, so there were few people in the streets. I like overall atmosphere of Cyprus which is very different from, say, Turkey, even though they are neighbouring countries and have much in common in foods etc. Cyprus is more gentle. I felt very calm and relaxed there. I was even seriously considering how I could live there… for 9 months a year, because summer is hot like hell. To rent an apartment and return to Russia every 3 months… But I know it wouldn’t solve my problems. Living like that won’t make me a citizen. Only a temporarily escape – no. I want true escape.
It is always the same: after each of my trips I feel more and more reluctant to go back. The last day, the last hours in the airport is a sad good-bye to one more country where I feel at home. Why do I feel at home everywhere except my own country? Russia’s problem is not just lack of comfort – it’s lack of dignity. And… I feel very insecure. Even there, on the resort, following Russian news, now and then I began to worry. Exchange rate… Rouble is falling against US Dollar and Euro, lower and lower every day. Correspondingly, prices are rising. I am personally lucky to this extent because the company pays me in US Dollars. But what should other people do? And all the same, I can’t be sure about what comes in future.
By the way, my long-distance boyfriend returned to me (if it’s possible to say so about someone far away). After I wrote a good-bye mail to him, he called me by Skype, and we made up somehow. But… it didn’t make me happy. On the contrary, next day my heart was heavy and dull, like “Oh no, all this again!” Maybe when I thought it’s all over, my sorrow was about the past, sweet memories that will never return. I am not angry at him. I like him as a person and would be happy to keep nice relationships as friends. But I guess it’s not love anymore. We know everything about each other. We are like a tired couple who have lived together for years… only we did it separately. He talks about marriage next year, in autumn, but I can’t imagine that. Can’t imagine us married… I don’t know how it may end. Why I continue this relationship? Don’t want to hurt him? Don’t want to lose him? Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand friendship – nothing else but love. Oh no. I only hope for some unexpected turn of events.
And what is the most desirable turn of events? A job. Getting a job abroad, be it Japan or Europe. I have some hope for the translation company I am working for. I don’t feel good about immigration via marriage, at least for me personally. I want a job more than a man…
Well, now it’s Russian winter again. I hate it. I curse each time when I have to walk outdoors in dark hours. With ice under the feet and only half of street lights working, I step cautiously and slowly, like an old woman. New Year decorations appear in shops, but it doesn’t make me happy. How can they think of celebrating New Year here! It will sure bring nothing good.
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