How to draw a deer

Once, when I was small, I decided to draw a deer. I loved them, but did not know how to draw them. My mom taught me how to draw three things, the only ones she knew herself: a house, a tree and a rabbit. She joined them conveniently into a single picture: a house, a fir-tree near it, and a rabbit running along the road from the house.

These became very helpful for me, especially the rabbit. I made a whole series of pictures about a family, just like ours — a mom, a dad and two kids — who were playing outdoors, celebrating birthdays, sitting around the table, only they were not humans but rabbits.

And now I needed a deer, and I had no suitable picture book or anything. I haven’t even seen Bambi because it was Soviet Union — we saw Disney cartoons for the first time only during Perestroika. Anyway, I almost figured it out by myself, except only one thing. And with this one thing I went to my dad. I came up to him and asked: “What does a deer’s tail look like?”

He did not know. And he told it to me honestly. Being a mathematician, he was not into live sciences very much. But on the other hand, he grew up in a village and knew a little bit about dogs, cows, pigs and other farm animals. So after some contemplation, my dad suggested an answer: “Maybe like a cow’s?”

That was enough for me. I sat down and drew a deer. For some time after that, my pictures were full of deer, skipping around cheerfully with long, tufted tails. Later I found out how to do it correctly, but I don’t remember where. But this episode I do remember very well. And I still love deer!

And one more… soon will be ten years since I lost my dad.

 

Cabbages and kings

It’s hot. Days and weeks of heat non-stop – a really extreme summer this year! I try not to take too much work because my head can’t work well. And when I don’t work, my child would come to me and talk. Or she calls me out for a walk (in the evening when the heat reduces a little) – and talks.

She can talk for hours. She talks, and I listen. I know she needs it because she has too many thoughts about lots of things, like:

• Movies, cartoons and TV shows
• Comics and superheros (Batman and Joker – oh no!)
• Evil characters and why people like them
• Gender, its natural and social aspects, stereotypes, and gender queer people
• Families, parents and children, and why she doesn’t want a family in future
• Discrimination of all sorts and why Russians don’t understand it
• What is empathy, and if it’s OK to live without it
• Why people need religion, and what’s good and bad about it
• Time traveling and what time period she would choose if it were possible
• Star Wars
• Computer games
• Robots
• Cabbages and kings

… and many others, I just can’t remember right now.

Of course she says that I shouldn’t listen if I don’t want to, and that I can stop her at any moment if I feel it’s enough. And it really happens sometimes when my brain gets overloaded, but mostly it goes fine. Some problems are interesting for me too, and we discuss them together. When she speaks out all her thoughts, she goes to her room and leaves me alone.  It’s fine, but… I feel that she needs someone else for a listener except me. That’s why I’m so glad when my nephew comes to visit us sometimes – at least they can discuss computer games and Star Wars!

Haircut

I did a haircut to my daughter today. I mean, really, by myself.

I am not a pro though, only attended a one-week class long ago during Perestroika. Since then I practiced on many heads of friends and family. I did strange fancy styles requested by my brother, then a university student. I cut hair of my colleagues at work, for a chocolate bar (natural exchange was popular during Perestroika). I cut hair of my dad until the end of his life – and he liked it. And for my child of course.

When she was small it was a matter of economy because our life was quite tough. Then she was wearing long hair, and I almost forgot the skill. But now, with her social anxiety disorder, it is difficult for her to communicate with hairdressers. She can’t explain them properly what she wants. As a result, she is never content. Recently she even cut her own hair – which was not very good.

So I was somewhat nervous because her image is important for her. Luckily, it’s more or less fine. She is happier than with her previous style, and looks more androgynous, just as she wanted. I’m glad!

Bad luck with jeans

Me and my daughter went to a shopping center today because she wanted to buy new jeans. She found one black pair (black is her preferred colour) and went to the trying room. I was waiting somewhere near… and it seemed to me strangely long. At last she went out, threw the jeans on a hanger rail and headed out of the shop with fast steps, saying “I can’t try on anything”.

“Why? Is something wrong with them?” I asked.

“It’s noise. I cannot stand this noise. Too many people in the trying rooms. And there was a child next to me, her toy was singing so loudly. I can’t!”

As a result, we didn’t make more attempts in other clothing shops. Moving to the entrance, she saw a shop of art and craft supplies and dived there with a relief. Paper, paints and incense sticks  had a good effect on her. She bought some, and we returned home.

 

Such things happen quite often when my daughter tries to do shopping. Her reaction for noise and crowd is so strong that she is unable to continue the process, let alone enjoy it. She hates music playing in shops – why is it always so loud and rhythmic? I wonder if it’s a feature of Russian shopping centers only. She can say suddenly that she feels bad, or has a headache, or not in the mood to choose anyting.  In such cases, we both go back in a bad mood.

Yes, I can be angry and tired and irritated, having to follow my child everywhere. But of course things are harder for her. We healthy people can’t imagine how it feels to live like that.

Sometimes everything goes fine though. She even manages to go to a shopping center alone and buy things she needs to. What does it depend on? I don’t know. But it’s preferable for her to go on weekdays when it’s not too crowded. And it should be a shop that she knows very well, so needn’t spend much energy for orienting. She analyzes her own sensations very carefully and learns all the time. Yes, our own efforts are not enough but I want to have a hope…

 

Hard growing up

All children grow up and leave their parents. It’s inevitable,  sad and happy feeling at the same time. Then, while children become more and more distant, we get more of our own life. For me and my child it’s different, unfortunately.

Because of her disorder she is very dependent on me in many activities. She cannot use transportation to move around the city. Especially if it’s unknow place which may need to ask directions. She cannot do shopping if it involves any communication with people like shop assistants etc. She cannot file documents to any offices. She cannot do phone calls to unknown places or people. I follow her everywhere. So we are always together, and it’s… well, of course it’s a problem.

It’s a problem for me because I must find time for all that, and as a result I almost never have time for myself. And it’s even more problem for her because she wants to grow up. Inside her mind she is very adult, in some aspects much more adult than her peers. The need to go everywhere with me makes her frustrated. Sometimes she tries… makes kind of training for herself, but it’s still very limited.

Today she went to a big shopping center to buy a new autumn jacket. The place and the way there is well known to her, one of the few places in our city she can go alone. She did some vague attempts to ask me to go together, maybe not feeling confident enough. But I was busy, and she went alone. Everything was all right. She bought a garment and felt no panic or anything. But such cases are rare. We have to go a long way until both can live our own lives.

Holidays are over. Can I rest now?

Winter vacation is over. My duty is over too. Our guest flew back to Moscow tonight. At last I can take a breath!

My nephew’s friend stayed with us for about 2 weeks which is in fact normal in Russia, taking into account our great distances and traditional hospitality. If guests come, they stay long, and of course at home. I had no objections about this friend’s coming. What I imagined was like, the boys spend time together happily, I see them not so much, only providing meals etc. But the things came out differently.

In these two weeks my nephew actually spent very little time with his friend. Of course he was happy in the beginning… for a day or two. After that… he closed in his room and played online games with some other friend. We heard him shouting by Skype all the time. Why invite the guest then? We were all angry but could do nothing about this.

So it was mostly me who gave attention to the boy (sometimes my daughter as well). I didn’t mind, he is a good boy, but I got so tired of too much talking and listening! Then, my daughter had moments of nervous breakdown of too many people present at home… I whould listen and comfort her as well. Then, my Japanese boyfriend came to talk by Skype as usual. Managers mailed me about work. My brother called from jail (he does it every evening). Sometimes I felt I would burst into tears if have to listen anyone else’s talk. Oh well…

After one weel I began to realize that I lack my room at my own disposal. The kids went to bed late and got up late as well. Since the guest slept in my room, I had to be very quiet until afternoon or so. And then he was always here… Now it is mine again, yes yes yes!

Today I said good-bye to the boy. We parted as good friends. I got to know him very well. He installed some useful software in my laptop. He loved our new fluffy kitten and cooed over him all the time. He saw Harry Potter movies for the first time in his life! He was curious about our city and how it’s different from Moscow. He learned new foods from us and took a loaf of local bread with him. I added him on Facebook and Skype. The children went to the airport in the evening to see him off. Now he must already have landed in Moscow.

And guess what my nephew said when they returned from the airport? “Daniel is gone! Why is he gone so early? I wish he were here…” Never understand this kid!

Japan: Story of my love Part 1 – Beginning

I don’t know how it happened that I fell in love with Japan. There was no particular interest before. I never was a traveller, though used to like Scandinavian countries, or some abstract tropical islands… I really don’t know why – it just happened.

It started in spring of 2008. I was living with my father and my child. After my mother died in 2006, I returned to father’s place so that he wouldn’t feel so lonely. I was divorced, so a bit lonely as well. It was a quiet life, both of us working and doing household. My child was 10, going to school normally that time. Sometimes we received guests… Nothing special was happening.

And then I saw the Anime. It was aired on Russian MTV on weekends in the morning, we wathed it tohether with my daughter. Shojo Kakumei Utena. Not that I never saw an Anime before, though it’s rare on Russian TV. But that time it struck me somehow. Unreal long-legged people with unreal hair color and strange names. The story was strange too, and moreover we coulnd’t follow it up to the end because the channel stopped showing it suddenly. But it already penetrated in our veins. We ordered a DVD with Utena by Internet. We started to watch more Anime and learn Japanese words just for fun. My daughter started drawing in Anime style. And through that colorful unearthly animation we could see a little bit of Japan itself. It was getting more and more serious. I wanted to know more.

When autumn came I screwed up my courage and put an ad on a website where one can find pen-friends from Japan. Surprisnigly, I received a lot of mails. I was not looking for anyone special, I answered to everybody. It was exciting! We exchanged stories and photographs, telling each other about our realities – Russian and Japanese. Of course with some of my pen-friends I could find better understanding, they were very dear to me. One of those who wrote me was a teacher of Japanese language, giving his lessons by correspondence. That’s how I started to learn – only by Romaji (English alphabet) that time. His explanation of grammar was very good. I am really grateful for these lessons.

It was not until summer of 2009 when I at last could go and see Japan with my own eyes. By that time I lost my father too. He never seemed ill but just burned out suddenly, in month and a half. Cancer, the same as my mom. I left with my child and two cats. But life was going on, and I was going to Japan.

My dear friends, how thoughtful they were! When they heard about my coming, they gave load of advice. They taught me how to use Japanese railway and get from the airport to the hotel. Moreover, they took days off in advance, to meet me and guide around. So all my time was already scheduled. I booked a hotel in Kanagawa prefecture, choosing a spot more or less close to all my friends living places. I received a visa through a travel agency and rented a Japanese cell phone by Internet. Everything was ready. I was going alone to a beautiful but totally unknown country.

To be continued…